Friday, 12 December 2014


I just wanted to pop back on here to keep things updated.

I came off Lighterlife. It's funny really, I could manage for days and days without cheating once but after a planned lapse I really could not get back into the strict structure of it all and completely failed to keep going.

I made the decision to have a bit of a break, go back to low carbing over Christmas and think about it in the New Year. If I manage better with low carb (which I prefer) then I'll stick with it but if I'm not losing weight then I'll be back on with Lighterlife.

Wish me luck!

Monday, 24 November 2014

Day 75- Serves Me Right

Today has been unpleasant. I woke up still feeling delicate from this weekend. Part of me wonders whether my body is just in shock from the alcohol and food after clean living for the past 3 months, and I've got a sneaking suspicion I feel like crap because I ate bread yesterday. I'm all bloated and feel a bit like I've been hit by a truck. When I make it to maintainence and we reintroduce food on a weekly basis it's going to be really interesting to see how I feel on bread week.

With utter horror I realised that I have two personal training sessions this week and one of them was this afternoon. I appreciate I can expect limited sympathy as it's completely self-inflicted but I did feel very pitiful today.

My first food pack today was difficult. My stomach is still feeling a bit off so I waited until I felt hungry before eating one and then my tummy was grateful for the food. It was kind of interesting to be hungry as when you are in ketosis you don't feel hungry hardly ever. It was very similar to when eating the sandwich yesterday- a physical sensation that felt a bit blank.

It took me a while to realise the blankness was the lack of emotional input. I ate the sandwich because my stomach needed something solid, not because I was hungry or emotional, and it wasn't at all interesting. I think food is becoming something much more mundane for me than it has been in the past which is fascinating to me! When I was hungry today it was a physical sensation but there was no sense of urgency, in fact, I was waiting for the physical signal before I tried to eat and it was a simple as that. This is very new to me. Food devoid of emotion (other than the simple pleasure of something tasting quite nice) is a completely new concept for me.

I'm also very dehydrated and have been thirsty all day. I did my training session and it kind of blew away the cobwebs but I can't say it was as pleasant as it normally is. My trainer knows about Lighterlife and actually said he thought I'd made the right decision about eating over the weeked, enjoying it, and then getting back on track. I guess that is what it's all about at the end of the day, and managing my weight in the future has to involve living in the real world.

I weighed myself this morning, convinced I would be 15 stone something, but no. I'm 14 stone 9 pounds which is what I was Saturday morning. It looks like I've just stalled ketosis rathen than piled on a load of glycogen but who knows. It could affect the scales tomorrow. Part of me kind of hopes it does, which is a little weird, but I guess I need to realise that scales go up and down depending on what you eat, but it's manageable and sticking to Lighterlife will sort it out until I'm in a place where I can use exercise and a balanced diet to manage my weight.

One thing I do feel the need to admit is that I'm writing this blog while sipping an illicit cup of tea that does indeed have milk in it. I'm done with the lack of tea to be honest. If my weight loss falls to 2 pounds a week consistently then I'll give it up again but for now I'm going to have the odd proper cup of tea. So there!

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Day 74- Lapse 2

So, the story continues from yesterday.

We woke up at 8am after going to bed at 5am due to one of our friend's adorable toddler who, after being safetly tucked away in bed for most of the night, was now ready to play with as many adults as posssible.

I have to say I felt thoroughly poisoned. Clearly copious amounts of gin is a bad idea. A Very Bad Idea. The boy felt equally rough even though he chucked up most of the red wine. Unsurprisingly we all felt somewhat delicate as we amused the toddler.

As our hosts were still asleep, we raided the fridge to find a suitable breakfast for the toddler and I suddenly realised something. There was absolutely no way I could stomach a food pack. I sipped water in an attempt to re-hydrate and had to admit I was going to be eating again. The boy and I discussed it, as eating this morning was most definitely not part of the plan and it's a slippery slope. I thought about it, as much as my hangover would allow, and knew I needed something solid to settle my stomach but there had to be a very strict line and once breakfast was done, there was to be nothing else.

By this point a lot of people were suffering, including our hosts, and more than one person chucked up. We are definitely growing old gracefully! I'd attempted a cup of tea but couldn't face it, and knew I was going to be sticking my head down the toilet at some point that morning so decided to down a lot of water to make it easier as chucking up gin and water is a lot easier than chucking up a sausage sandwich. However, the smell of the sausages cooking made me feel loads better and I was one of the only ones not to chuck up! Go me.

I was very careful about how I ate breakfast. The bread was French baguette and was cut into suitable portions so that took the portion decision away. I had three sausages. I probably only needed two to be fair, but I was proud of how I ate it. While the boy scoffed two sandwiches, I ate my one sandwich slowly and thoughtfully. After a couple of bites I felt better and was actually quite uninterested in the sandwich. Normally I'd scoff a couple of sandwiches before my tummy knew what hit it, but I took a long time with it. My brain registered that after a few bites I didn't really want any more but I knew my stomach needed some solid food so I ate the rest of the sandwich and paid attention to how unbothered I was, even though it tasted nice. I also had a cup of tea with some milk in it, and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. Tea remains my emotional crutch after all this time, and I did wonder why I've denied myself milky tea when a lot of others on Lighterlife don't and still lose weight.

The boy and I spent the rest of the day sat on our sofa cuddled up in pyjamas with the cat watching Disney films. I heated him up some of the chicken broth I'd made a couple of days ago and had a good sniff but was happy to watch him eat. Still feeling delicate, I couldn't face a food pack but I know I'll be back on it tomorrow.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Day 73- Lapse 1

The title of this post kind of gives it away really but stay tuned as this is not a case of fat girl loses three stone then eats her way back via McDonalds and Pizza Hut. (I promise).

My day started with a work shift beginning at 7am. Due to working a late last night, this ammounted to about six hours sleep so not the best start. However, I was feeling really excited about my friend's birthday party in the evening. Then it all kicked off at work and I got physically shoved. How I kept my temper I will never know. Needless to say, I was very angry and very stressed when the boy picked me up at 3pm.

Around this time I also got a phonecall from my friend's partner, who incidentally is my ex-partner. We're all very good friends though, despite the complications, and get on really well. They can be a bit scatty, just like me, so I wasn't totally suprised when he told me they'd changed the plans for the evening and instead of a buffet (which I was planning on ignoring) they were going to have a sit-down dinner. He then told me that they'd put a lot of thought into it and had a low-carb option all ready to do so I wouldn't need to worry about it. (They think I'm doing a low-carb diet because that's what I normally do and I haven't wanted to tell people I'm on Lighterlife).

Oh my god. The stress doubled and I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack there and then. The boy, being very sensible in a crisis, took me to buy shoes to go with my black and gold dress (see yesterday's blog). They did go perfectly, but I removed the gold satin laces and replaced them with black satin laces from another pair of Irregular Choice boots I own. (I own quite a few IC shoes now as they are stunning and my husband is very lovely)! The shoes did actually calm me down and then I sat and thought long and hard about what I was going to do.

I knew I couldn't cancel being there. She's a very good friend and would be devastated if I'd of cancelled at such short notice. I knew I couldn't arrive after the meal as they were having it quite late anyway. I wasn't prepared to have a food pack or nothing at all in front of seven of my friends- I've done it with the boy at a restaurant and it hasn't phased me, but I really couldn't cope with all of the questions from everyone. So I made the decision to break abstinence. I want to make something clear though, this was a really hard decision that I still feel somewhat guilty over. Being so close to achieving my 100 days is a bit gut-wrenching to be honest.

The thing that sealed the deal for me though was my reaction when I realised I was probably going to have to eat something. I completely panicked. I freaked out about coming off the diet and putting loads of weight back on and not being able to stop. The boy then very sensibly pointed out that I have enough food issues without giving myself another one. I never wanted to be one of those people who did abstinence religiously for a year- I needed the strict rules to start off with or I would of cheated and messed about, but I never wanted to panic over eating again.

With all that in mind, I made myself a plan. I'd already decided I was going to drink at the party. I'd ummed and ahhed about it, mostly because I didn't want alcohol to lower my inhibitions and for me to then attack the buffet table like a wild animal. We bought gin and soda water and lime cordial as this was the best drink I actually like. There's sugar in the lime cordial but compared to other drinks, it was probably the best option. My friend had given me the menu on the phone: French Onion soup with garlic croutons, Pork medallions with caramelised apples, carrots, leeks and potato rosti, and then another friend was bringing desert. My friend was going to leave out the croutons, apples and rosti from my plate and promised to do a small portion. I asked the boy for support so I didn't stuff my face and we agreed a few sips of soup, a little pork, carrots and leeks would probably not be the end of life as we know it, and I'd just have to ignore whatever desert it was. The plan was to crash at their house overnight so I ate a food pack before we left and took some with me for the following morning.

The party ended up being awesome. Dinner went as planned. I ignored the crudites on the table as an appetiser although the hummus and cucumber sticks were calling my name. I had about four sips of the onion soup which was tasty but not really my thing anyway, then subtly, with ninja-like skill, swapped my full bowl for the boy's empty bowl. The main course went well too. The pork medallions were tiny, so I ate one out of the three on the plate then palmed them off onto grateful friends. I have a couple of little roast carrots and leeks, and was done. Helpfully, my friend likes different foods to me so it ended up being quite easy to stick to my plan. He makes a mushroom risotto to die for and if he'd made that then the whole thing would have been quite different! It was weird eating food after 3 months of not. It did make the boy and I chuckle though to realise my first real food would be soup! I swear, after this diet, I'll never eat another soup again! The desert was tirimisu and I completely relaxed after this as I'm not much fussed about coffee flavoured things except actual coffee so was happy to watch everyone else indulge.

Everybody liked the dress, especially the cleavage (my friends aren't subtle). People commented on how good I looked which was really nice, and everyone appreciated the awesome shoes. One of my male friends looked me up and down and asked if I'd lost loads of weight, which was brilliant he even noticed! The boy was attentive all night as well and kept checking me out from across the room which made me smile!

One thing that felt a bit upsetting is my friend, whose birthday it was, wasn't happy with how she looked. I spotted it a mile away. Some of my friends are big like me and others are nymph-like but we all like to look good and I could tell she'd made an effort but wasn't happy. She looked lovely in fact. Part of me wanted to take her aside and talk about what I'm doing to encourage her, but I know people have to reach their crisis point in their own time before they are ready to do something about their weight and I'll be around to support her if or when she's ready. She looked brilliant anyway, I just wished she was happy.

It ended up being quite a heavy night of drinking, which is unusual for my friends at a house party. We all happily got trashed. They blamed the gin but they'd been drinking cocktails as well, which I'd avoided, and the boy was on red wine. Unusually for him, he'd had a bottle and a half of red wine before I'd even noticed and promptly spent time chucking it all up in the bathroom. Silly boy! We didn't go to bed until 5am which felt very naughty indeed.

Friday, 21 November 2014

Day 72- Stress

Today has been very stressful work wise. It's all kicking off and frankly the abuse is starting to grate. Maybe it's time to look for another job. Maybe I don't need to do a job where being verbally abused is part of it on a regular basis.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Day 71- Tenth Weigh-In

Another ketosis high hit hard and fast today and oh my was it fun. I completely realise that it's probably down to only having one food pack yesterday and I really should be kinder to my poor body at the moment but it couldn't be helped.

So I got up this morning refreshed after all the extra sleep and put another of my new pair of jeans on. I have to admit, Primark do decent jeans. They are only thin but they look nice enough and they are a hell of a lot cheaper than the jeans from Evans which is where I normally get my jeans. On the spur of the moment I decided to try the Ed Sheeran t-shirt I bought last month at the concert which I stressed about for days because I'd decided to buy a "small" as an incentive and then didn't think it would ever fit.

Oh My God. It fits.

I cannot begin to explain the joy. If you've never lost a lot of weight you won't possibly understand. I'm currently weighing in on my scales at 14 stone 9 pounds which is new territory for me and so exciting. I'm also loving my shape as it emerges and it's retaining a lovely hourglass figure for which I am very grateful... and so is the mister ;-)

Obviously the t-shirt is tight fitting and will look even better in a couple of weeks but it fits and is wearable. It's so exciting! The ketosis high and utter joy then prompted me to make the mister his sausage sandwich for breakfast while I had my porridge food pack and then I made him a packed lunch with yesterday's roast chicken. Then I put the chicken carcass and fresh sage and rosemary into a pot of water to boil for a few hours which makes an amazing chicken broth.

After that I danced around the house feeling awesome and curvy and amazing. It's the time of the month in my cycle where I generally do feel good about myself and attractive anyway, so it's hitting hard and I'm actually becoming quite vain!

I wore the T-shirt to show the group as they'd all heard the moan about how stressed I got when I bought it. Then the weigh in...

Oh yeah! 3 stone lost!

I've lost another five pounds making my total 3 stone in 10 weeks. I can live with that. Seriously, what other diet can make that claim and still leave you feeling pretty good at the end of the day (and not smelling like cabbage)?

To celebrate, the boy purchased my third Pandora dangly topaz charm. There's now three of them sitting on my bracelet looking very pretty indeed. We also went shopping for a dress as my friend's birthday party is this Saturday and it will be a group of our close friends, most of whom haven't seen me for a couple of months due to work and will hopefully be suitably shocked at my weight loss. I did get a dress when I went to Primark on Monday but having got it home I'm not sure.

I found a dress but the whole thing was somewhat surreal. A dress in the Topshop window caught my eye as it was gold and black, with decent cleavage exposure and a short hemline. Now, I know the old advice about either showing your legs or your cleavage but not both or you risk just looking slutty, however, this does not apply to me. I have a great rack and due to being five foot two, dresses only really look good on me when they fall above my knee. I do wear tights or leggings to preserve my modesty though.

Anyway, having not been in Topshop for a number of years, I was a bit hesitant about clothing sizes and had visions of open changing rooms where nymph-like teenagers prance about half naked complaining about how fat they are making you either want to smack them one or feed them a cheeseburger. I was a bit gutted that the largest size they seem to do is a size 16 but I grabbed it and headed into a (private) changing room. It fit. Well, no, I got it on, it didn't actually fit. It was miles too big. I stood there in shock for a bit as I know my size is roughly 18 at the moment. With a certain smugness I asked for a 14 but they didn't have one. Bollocks to this, thought I, as the dress looked pretty great aside from the baggy chest area. So I got a size 12 thinking that if I could actually get the damn thing on it might be worth buying for Christmas. One of the lovely things about Lighterlife is that I know I'll have lost another stone by Christmas.

I kid you not, I ended up stood in the damn cubicle in a size 8. I swear. All 14 stone 12 of me. Now, clearly I am not a size 8 and frankly I can't imagine being one. The dress obviously has tardis like properties. The cut of it is interesting and sits differently than on the picture. I had to buy a low cut see through bra to wear underneath it and tights. I bought the size 10 in the end as it seemed to sit better on me. I actually own a size 10 dress. So weird.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Day 70- Exhausted

Yesterday was a total nightmare involving me staying up all night at work. I have to admit, when someone made a cheese toastie at 2am I nearly cracked.

Today has mostly been about sleeping. I also made a roast chicken dinner, and the fresh herbs on the chicken smelled so good. And oh my the gravy! Watching the boy eat it was practically torture. Even the cat drooled over the chicken.

I've only managed one food pack today because my routine is all over the place. So much for going to the gym after work!

Also, my wedding rings no longer fit. I've had to put them on my Pandora bracelet to keep them safe as they flew off my hand when I shook it earlier.

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Day 69- Chubby

I had the strangest feeling looking in the mirror today. Wearing my new clothes I bought yesterday, I looked chubby. Very chubby, but not fat. It just sort of struck me. I've lost a lot of weight around my tummy area and it's really starting to show.

I also got more compliments today which was really nice. It helped to ease the pain from all the weight lifting yesterday!

Monday, 17 November 2014

Day 68- Shopping

I hit the gym today with my personal trainer who was bordering on abusive with his enthusiasm for weight lifting today. I did tell him how much I hated him but it appeared to have little effect.

I spent most of the rest of the day shopping. My clothing situation is getting a little desperate now so a trip to Primark has given me some extra cheap clothes. The boy was suitably complimentary :-)

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Day 67- House

I can't believe how time flies, and the time is just ticking away at the moment. 67 days of abstinence!

I was in work this morning then had friends over to look at the new house in the evening. We've bought tester pots of paint and I'm trying to convince the boy on my choice of colours.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Day 66- Life

Life interfered with my grand plans for another run and I ended up driving the boy to work instead.

Work was work and mildly frustrating.

Friday, 14 November 2014

Day 65- The New Routine Begins

I felt a bit cheated this morning. I did not wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed after 8 hours sleep. I actually struggled to get to sleep so although I've been in bed for 8 hours, I've had maybe 7 hours sleep. Oh well.

I still got up at 8am to make the boy breakfast and his packed lunch. Then I looked outside. To say it's a bit wet is an understatement. But it's winter after all and it's only going to get worse, and with that cheery thought in mind, I got ready for my run. It had occurred to me last night that I didn't have anything suitable to wear. My jogging bottoms have all been chucked because they are too big for me. At the gym I wear those cheap black stretchy leggings you can get from Primark for £3 because they are quite comfy, I've got loads of them, and they are good for anything I do in the gym. They aren't very warm though so I put two pairs on as well as a vest top, a long sleeved top and a hoody. I added a scarf for good measure as well.

I went for my run!!! At 8.30am while it was still not properly light and raining a lot!

I'm not going to say it was pleasant, because it wasn't. Jogging in the park is very different from using a treadmill. Firstly, there are hills. Well, not so much hills as gentle inclines, but still. Secondly there is no water available for when your lungs start to burn due to lack of fitness unless you want to carry a bottle with you, which I don't. Thirdly it's cold and wet and you have to be careful not to fall on your ass from the slippery foot paths. But I did it, and that is the important thing. Although the time it took me and the pace was a bit pathetic, it's a starting point and that's what I love about running. You can improve quite quickly and the progress is very motivating.

I've got work until 11pm tonight so bedtime will be at 12 so I can get up at 8am again tomorrow for another run. That's going to be hard because I usually like to wind down for a couple of hours before bed. I might try having a quick bath to wind down if there's time. I also need to do laundry as another barrier to all of these ambitious goals is not having the right clothes clean when I need them.

Also, I am now obese and not morbidly obese. My BMI is now 38 which is good I guess. I'm not a big fan of the BMI chart as it puts my healthy weight ridiculously low for someone who is five foot two and naturally curvy. But it's good to see the numbers go down.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Day 64- 9th Weigh In

OK so I rearranged the personal training session for Monday. I admit this is a bit crap but I really wasn't in the mood today, and it's time of the month. Instead, me and the boy slept in (we both work shifts) but I got up in a funny mood. Maybe because I felt bad about rearranging the gym, I'm not sure. It was probably because I was really cold. We're still getting used to the new house which is old and big, and you have to remember to close doors and manage the heating system. Being on lighterlife makes me feel cold in general anyway, and my temperature always goes up and down around my period.

I was also a bit narked about the scales this morning. For the last couple of days they have been showing 15 stone 1 and a little bit. The little bit is going down, which is good, but I'm so close to seeing the 14 stone mark it's killing me.

The Lighterlife group was good today. My official weigh in is 15 stone 3 pounds giving me a loss of 5 pounds this week which I was more than happy with. There was someone new at the meeting today who is considering starting and it was lovely to have the counsellor use me as an example of someone who is doing the diet successfully. Most of the others in the group, which is small, are either maintaining weight loss or only have a stone or two to lose. The new person is similar to me in that we have quite a lot to lose and I hope it was encouraging for her to see that I've lost nearly 3 stone. I'm nearly a third of the way there!

We started a new counselling module today as well. It's called Time. In the session we looked at how we prioritise our time. This is something I've been working on anyway. I've been getting up with the boy early to make him his breakfast and packed lunch because I really enjoy that and it's time better spent that laying in bed. For me, a magic wand that made me slim would be useless as I'd just eat my way back up to this size. I need to do the counselling and learn how to live differently so I have a chance of keeping it off. The people who turn up to the group to buy their food packs and get weighed, but then leave, make me laugh to be honest. Why pay so much for it if you're not going to do it properly? You may as well buy the food packs from Superdrug and save yourself a bit of money.

At the beginning of each new booklet we set a goal for the module. Mine is pretty ambitious I must admit. It's time to start making some real changes though and stop messing about. My brain seems to think I'm actually a very active healthy kind of person (stupid brain) and always guides me towards home cooked healthy food and different kinds of exercise that it insists I can do. For a fat girl I can actually do a lot of different exercise. I have a Virgin gym membership which has an awesome gym, free exercise classes including yoga and pilates, a rock climbing wall (I think Virgin only have 2 in the entire country), a swimming pool and a spa pool. Add in the personal trainer to do boxing and resistance training. There's also jogging which I enjoy either in the gym or in the park. One of my goals is to get to the 13 stone mark where I'll be light enough to start thinking about taking up horse riding again and skiing at the Chill Factor in Manchester. Both of these activities I have enjoyed in the past but my weight prevented me from being able to do (and my pride took quite a beating from it). I'd also really like to be able to do 5km runs.

I told you my brain was stupid. (Actually I think it's quite clever). There's so much I want to be able to do and I constantly tell myself I'm too lazy to do it. This was challenged in last week's session when the group prompted me to examine this. I'm not lazy, I'm tired. I'm an 8 hours of sleep a night kind of person and always have been but frequently stay up late, and either lay in bed all morning catching up on missed sleep or have 6 or less and end up tired and grumpy. This clearly has to stop.

So my goal for this module is to go to the gym 3 times a week and run 3 times a week. No messing about, no phasing in or building up, just get it done. I already go to the gym once a week for my training session and I know if I'm organised I can fit another 2 times in. The running is about getting my ass into gear in the mornings. We've moved opposite our local park which is perfect for me to run in as it's a small circular route of about 1 mile. Currently I walk and jog it slowly but 3 times a week is enough to make it a regular habit and I know my fitness will improve over time.

With all of these grand plans in mind, I got out my diary. My shifts are all over the place because of the work I do, including times when I sleep at work and can only get 6 hours sleep at best. Working time regulations don't seem to matter to Sheffield City Council! One of the things that might prevent me from achieving my goal for this module is my dreadful sleep pattern so I've sat down and worked out which nights I need to go to bed at 10pm or can stay up until 12, and which mornings I need to be up at 6am or 8am. If I stick to the bedtimes then I'm much more likely to be able to achieve my activity goals.

Next I planned when I can do the different activities around my work schedule. I'm going to run tomorrow and Saturday to finish off this week, then next week my runs will be Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. I'll have personal training sessions on Monday and Thursday next week so that's 2 trips to the gym already sorted. I've booked a Yoga class on the Thursday too. My third gym session will be on Wednesday and I'm going to take my rock shoes and have a bit of a climb then go swimming. This all might sound like an awful lot of exercise but bear in mind that my runs are very gentle jog/walks and when I say rock climbing, we're talking about 15 minutes of exercise at my current fitness rate. It's good to do different types of exercise as it rounds out your toning and fitness so I'm very pleased with the plan I've made.

So there we go. And, as it is now 12, it is bedtime because I have to be up at 8am!

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Day 63- Suffering

I did a very very stupid thing today. I made homemade spaghetti Bolognese.

Now, I made a pretty decent one anyway, but for some reason I decided I was going to start using fresh herbs to make it. Well, the house absolutely reeked of it. It smelled amazing. I thought I may have got the mix of herbs wrong as I was unable to taste test it. When the boy got home, he dipped a spoon in for me, and then proceeded to gobble three spoons of the stuff before he would admit it was perfect. The house smells wonderful and edible, and I want some!

Something to remember though, I gave the boy what looked like a decent size portion (and I would of totally eaten all of it), and he could only eat half, and was stuffed. I need to remember this. For me, a portion would probably be about a quarter of what I gave him.

I've been struggling over the past couple of days to not just have a sneaky bite of something and not tell anyone. So far I've managed to stop myself. Mostly because I'd never lie to the boy and would end up confessing. Then I'd have to write it here and tell the group at my Lighterlife session. My pride just gets in the way.

The scales are still going down about a pound a day. My home scales are currently showing 15 stone 1 which I'm so pleased with as I reckon I've lost about 6 pounds this week. Time will tell though as it is class tomorrow.

And as for the gym, I have my personal trainer tomorrow morning so that's me definitely going!

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Day 62- And Again!

To make up for not going to the gym yesterday, I packed my gym bag to take to work so that I could toddle off after our staff meeting. Well, of course life had other plans for me today!

I got up super early again to make the boy breakfast, his packed lunch and to make some frosting for the cupcakes I randomly decided to make last night. As I gave him a lift to work he munched his sausage sandwich and tried a cupcake which met with satisfaction. I must say he is a real pleasure to feed! He gets this glow of satisfaction! I've warned him I could possibly turn into a feeder but I don't think he minds as long as he's got cake to eat!

Work ended up being a bit of a nightmare today. I walked into utter chaos and ended up spending half my day at the Children's Hospital. I managed to eat a porridge food pack for breakfast around 9am then didn't get back to work until 2.30pm when I finally got my second food pack. By the time work had finished I was shattered and really couldn't be bothered with the gym.

I made the boy homemade KFC again for tea which was much appreciated. Maybe because he said it was utterly perfect or maybe it was because I'd had a hard day, but I really struggled not to have some. I mean, REALLY struggled. Even the boy took pity on me but, obviously sensing how close he was to losing his chicken, then reminded me how well I'd been doing and how proud of me he was. I sulked for a little bit, because I'm such a grown up, and then got on with it.

So, another day of abstinence.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Day 61- Best Laid Plans

My scales are showing 15 stone 2 pounds and I can't tell you how excited that makes me feel. I'm so unbelievably close to 14 stone something I can almost taste it (or not as the case may be!). I spent some time today thinking about how being 14 stone something will feel. I genuinely cannot remember being that weight. I know I've monitored my weight since being a young teenager but the numbers are a bit blurry. I know almost 100% that I haven't been 14 stone something since being an adult and attempting to tackle my weight seriously.

My plan for today was get up at 7am to make the boy a cooked breakfast and see him off to work (dutiful wife that I am) then get myself sorted for a meeting at work at 12, then head over to the gym afterwards. I heroically got up at 7am despite having a really bad night's sleep for no apparent reason. The boy commented on my blurry red eyes over his breakfast. So I went back to bed for a couple of hours. Then I got a text from work saying the meeting had been cancelled. Well, that scuppered my saintly plan for the gym!

I got up at 10.30am and promptly messed up my breakfast of pea and ham soup by pouring too much black pepper in it by accident. I struggled with it then gave up. I did consider making another as I do have a few spare food packs, but weirdly at the moment the soup is really filling me up and I didn't think I needed any more. When I say filling, I mean, I have a bowl of soup and sit there uncomfortable for the next 30 minutes similar to if you'd just overeaten a roast dinner (mmm, roast dinner). Maybe it's because I'm working hard to fill up on the water at the moment.

I'm definitely more focused on the plan at the moment. Losing roughly a pound a day and being so close to new territory is highly motivating.

I spent some time today going through my wardrobe again. It gets easier to chuck things as time goes on. Today I got rid of some long sleeved tops that don't suit me and are so old (and look it). Don't ask me why I've been holding onto them. It's cold and I'm still refusing to wear them, so out they went. I also got rid of a couple of jumpers that are never going to look good.

I'm desperately holding onto a Christmas jumper I got last year which is too big on me and is bordering on looking silly. Last year when I'd lost a couple of stone on Atkins I was deliriously happy to buy this jumper from ASDA. It fit perfectly and really suited me, and I'd never had a Christmassy jumper before. You probably have elves or reindeers in your head but it's got a very tasteful snowflake design. I love it. There's no way I'm going to be able to wear it this year which is very sad.

I also tried on some dresses I bought last year before Christmas happened and the diet was abandoned. They now fit quite well and are pretty. I'm more of a jeans and vest top kind of girl but I do love dresses. I'm determined to have a wardrobe full of them when I'm happy with my size.

I've been making Christmas plans today too. I've been thinking long and hard about Christmas ever since I started this plan. I'm aware that my 100 days will be finished on 19 December. I committed to abstaining from food for 100 days and I'm sticking to that. I need to know I can commit and carry it out, and with no lapses or cheating, I'm pleased as punch with myself so far. However, I need a plan for what happens after that. I know I will weigh roughly 13 stone 12 pounds by then. That still leaves roughly 4 stone, maybe more, to lose. I honestly have no idea what my goal weight will be. I'm only five foot two in height but I'm curvy and would like to keep my hourglass figure. I've no desire to be skinny. (OK well maybe I do just to see what it looks like, but I know it's not realistic).

The plan I have in my mind is something I've been mulling over for a while but I've still not decided on it. The boy's family are coming to stay with us over Christmas. We've not finalised who is coming when or for how long but some of them may come for the week, others for a couple of days or less. This is a big deal as the boy has never been in a position to invite his family for Christmas, and I will be the one cooking for the week including Christmas dinner for six and a half people (the half is for the 2 year old niece). I'm very excited to show off my cooking skills!

So, my plan at the moment is that I'm going to have completed what I said I was going to do. I know that I'm going to need another 100 days or so of abstinence (I think they call it development when you've completed foundation), but I don't want to do it so strictly for another 100 days. I want to be able to have the odd planned lapse for important occasions or celebrations and have those times as learning experiences to see if I can manage myself in the real world. If I can't and it's impeding on the weight loss then I intend to be firm with myself and have no lapses.

Christmas is not a time when I want to be abstinent. Not when all of the boy's family is here and I'd doing all of the cooking. I hate to think of Christmas as my "reward" because food shouldn't be a reward. My current plan is to go back on Lighterlife properly on the 28th December because that's when we will have a weigh-in and group meeting, and I can assess the damage done over the Christmas period, which will be just over a week. Between 19-28 December, my plan is to have as many food packs as possible but also have meals with the family, probably the odd breakfast but mostly the main meals. I'll still be working over Christmas which helps as I'll have my food packs at work and avoid the work chocolates. But Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day I'm not having food packs. I am, however, going to be careful and try to manage what I'm eating. I don't intend to use it as an opportunity to make myself violently ill by seeing how many mince pies I can cram into my tummy in a 3 day period.

I've yet to discuss my plan with the counsellor, I don't know if she will approve or not. I know I don't want to not eat over Christmas and I know I want the opportunity to try and manage my calorie intake armed with the counselling tools I've learned. If I can't, at least the falling off the wagon will be limited.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Day 60- Significant Moments

It's day 60!!!

My, that's gone fast. I'm so proud of myself and the weight is dropping off at the moment, about a pound a day for the last few days. Another thing is that the food packs are really filling me up at the moment. I'm mostly on the soups and feeling absolutely stuffed afterwards. Some days I'm only having 3 food packs because I really can't manage more. I think my stomach has shrunk.

I'm also noticeably smaller. My hips and tummy are smaller! Hurrah!

The really special thing about today is that my scales are showing me at 15 stone 3 pounds which is the lightest I can remember being as an adult. This is very significant for me and signals the two and a half stone loss mark, again, something I can't ever remember. Obviously my immediate thought was "Wow, that's brilliant, I should celebrate this. Let's buy some cheese." Clearly there's a long way to go yet mentally and physically!

I've pottered about the new house today getting things in their new proper places. I also made curry for the boy which smelled amazing, and I don't normally like his curries. A little bit of cream in it and I would have scoffed it!

One thing that was interesting today was I got really stressed about something (I won't bore you with the details) and got very panicked. I had to take myself away and calm myself down. It made me think about coping strategies for stress and how I would normally have felt anxious for the rest of the day, resulting in a night in front of the TV eating takeaway until I felt sick. Instead, I used some of the counselling we've been looking at recently which is about how to manage worries. I spend a lot of my time feeling anxious about stuff- mostly about things that I really don't need to feel anxious about. This time I managed it by thinking the issue through carefully, remaining positive and doing everything I can to sort it out. I still feel anxious about it, because it's not something that is completely in my control, so I then used distraction techniques like putting music on and sorting out the stuff in the kitchen. It made me feel loads better than a takeaway. This is the kind of thing that I'm going to need in the future so I don't turn to food.

I think I need something in my head every time I go to eat something asking me "why are you eating this?" because the only right answer is "because I'm hungry and this is the right food/right portion for me". Anything else and I need to manage it in a different way. Also, it would be nice to work on the anxieties I carry around with me over stupid things. We did look at that in a previous counselling session so maybe I need to revisit it.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Day 59- Thinking about the future

We went looking in Boundary Mill today and spent ages looking at different cookware and bakeware. I'm really enjoying cooking for the boy at the moment and can't wait to try all of these things when I'm finally back eating regular food. I'm starting to take notice of what goes into my cooking and trying to figure out what a healthy me-sized portion would be.

I can't believe it's nearly 60 days on plan! I'm still sniffing food and fantasising about cheese but overall it's gone pretty well with only the odd moment being really hard. I just hope all the counselling kicks in when I am back in the real world of food again.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Day 58- Quickie

Just a quick one today. Feeling positive after yesterday and definitely a bit slimmer!

I'm kind of running out of things to wear which is frustrating yet satisfying at the same time! I'm going to have to think carefully about what to buy next as I won't be wearing it for long.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Day 57- 8th Weigh In

It's a good day. The scales are showing another drop so I was very excited for my weigh in.

I woke up very sleepy and not much in the mood for my personal trainer but by the time I hit the gym, a ketosis high was in full blast and I put it to good use. As part of resistance training to improve my muscle tone and hopefully avoid baggy saggy skin after weight loss, we've been doing boxing training. I adore it but it takes it out of you! Not today though, I smirked to myself when the trainer had to take a step back when I hit his hand pads harder and faster than he was expecting! He ended up giving me lots of sets to do to wear me out! You have to love the elusive ketosis high. Even on my rest periods I was bouncing. The hour was over far too quickly and I could of carried on to be honest.

I'd had to have a Lighterlife bar for breakfast as we were running late and I needed to drive the boy to work. So I decided to ask the café in the gym for some hot water and a bowl to make my soup food pack. I've managed to get to day 57 without having a food pack in public aside from at work. I pay an awful lot for a Virgin gym though so I thought, what the hell. The assistants behind the counter were very confused. I've found though that being polite but expecting people to do what they are told to, really works a lot of the time. There's a lot to be said for fronting things out.

I had my soup which I gobbled down due to hunger. Next time I'll savour it a bit more as it's a rare thing that I get to experience eating in a café or restaurant these days.

My 8th weigh in showed another 3 pound loss which will do me nicely. I'll stop complaining about the previous half pound loss now! I didn't buy any bars. I've got one or two left for emergencies but I'm going to try and live off the soups, which I'm really into now it's gotten cold and wintery, and the spaghetti Bolognese which has always been a favourite.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Day 56- About Time

The scales are moving again!!!

A pound has decided to leave the room!!!

About bloody time and all.

I've sent my next week's food pack order to my counsellor and next week won't be having bars aside from when I really need them. I'm sure it has something to do with the lack of weight loss.

I've been having a think. Last year I lost 2 stone with Atkins and previous diets have also failed around this time. Clearly I have a natural inbuilt barrier to weight loss where my body goes "Oh no you don't, we've worked really hard to save all of this fat for when the world ends and all of the supermarkets close" and refuses to allow any more loss. Obviously, this won't last forever, and the scales are moving again but there's an interesting part of the weight loss journey about to come up.

I don't remember being lower than 15 stone 4 pounds ever. I've been hovering around 17 stone for a good few years. I remember joining WeightWatchers in 2008 and weighing around 16 stone ish. I don't remember my weight before then. To be fair, I was 24 in 2008 and hadn't been an adult for very long.

So, although the current weight at Lighterlife is 15 stone 11 pounds, my scales at home are now saying 15 stone 6 pounds. There's a 2 pound difference between the scales because I weigh myself in the morning whilst wearing pyjamas and Lighterlife weighs me in the evening fully dressed. So I should be 15 stone 8 pounds on the Lighterlife scales. The point is, my scales are getting dangerously close to being below 15 stone 4 pounds. There's a huge psychological shift to be made once that happens. I'm not going to be giving up or allowing myself to sabotage what I want to achieve. So soon enough, probably in the next 2 weeks, the scales will be in the top range of 14 stone. It's quite a scary thought to be honest.

Because I was in such a positive mood due to the scales moving again, I decided to cook. The boy has a bit of a thing for KFC and in my bid to prevent him from getting fat, and to prepare us both for when I can eat food again, I decided to make homemade KFC. I've been meaning to try doing this for a while as he loves it so, and although fried food isn't at all healthy, it's got to be better than KFC.

It all turned out perfectly and I was very impressed with myself. I fried fillets of chicken covered in spices, herbs, flour and egg. I also made popcorn chicken the same way, and I even had a go at making fried chips. It was pretty close to perfect, a little less spicy for the boy next time, but the best thing about it was that he reckoned it was much better than KFC and he's rather have the homemade version any day. Success! I can now do McDonalds and KFC replicas.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Day 55- Meltdown

Well it had to happen sooner or later. I had a mega strop with myself over my diet and recent lack of weight loss. The boy and I had a big argument about data protection versus Facebook refusing police access in cases of suspected grooming. He's very passionate about data protection and I'm very passionate about child protection. So to demonstrate this, we yelled at each other for an hour and then he went to the old house to clean the over and I threw myself on the bedroom floor to torment the cat and have a sulk.

It wasn't a serious argument, just one of the very loud and heated ones we have rarely. But I do find them very stressful and afterwards, after we'd just agreed to disagree, we spoke about the impact it had on me in terms of my diet.

My internal monologue went something like this:

"He's a (bleep). I can't believe he disagrees with me. I want one of those ham sandwiches he had yesterday because it smelled really good. Oh I can't. Well that's stupid. I could have one now and he'd not know. But then I would have failed to complete the 100 days of abstinence. Well that's a stupid rule anyway and you don't really mind if you break it to have a ham sandwich. Would I tell the Lighterlife group? No, of course not. Well actually I would and then I'd feel pretty crap. What about a McDonalds instead? The boy has taken the car. OK well I could order something for delivery. None of that stuff tastes very nice. The cheese on a pizza is good. No, I can't do that. I could have the ham sandwich though. No, I won't. I'll tidy the dining room instead. If I go downstairs I'll eat a ham sandwich. I'm exhausted. I need a nap."

Seriously. Is this normal? I'm not so sure. In the end, I put myself to bed and had a 2 hour nap. Then I got up, had a food pack and then sorted it out with the boy.

I suppose this may be some sort of progress. I wish my brain didn't automatically want to comfort itself with food though. That's so unhelpful.

It did make me think though- in line with this week's counselling homework. A couple of years ago I was stroppy and a bit of a spoilt brat and would go to great lengths to get my own way. Sound delightful, don't I? The thing was, I was very popular and partners were attracted to me because of how strong and stubborn I was. Then I fell in love with the boy and he's not my usual type at all. Although he liked my fiery nature, I was very concerned about our relationship ending due to my temper and began working really hard on my personal development. I created internal monologues, similar to the one above, but ones designed to talk myself out of losing my temper or ignoring him for a week when he's upset me. It was very productive and I'm stubborn enough that when I really put my mind to something, I generally get what I want. In the end, I even married him because I knew divorce wasn't an easy option and marriage would create a firmer barrier to prevent me ever having to lose him. I'm not going to go all mushy on you about how he's the love of my life (he is), I think this is a clear example of me being able to change something massive about myself. If I can change that, I can change my attitudes to food too- right?

Monday, 3 November 2014

Day 54- Sniffing Food Again

I'm feeling more positive today. Sod the bloody scales.

I decided to try out the new kitchen which contains a very impressive looking range cooker. I thought I'd start with something simple so made homemade burgers for the boy who was suitable appreciative. Sitting next to him on the sofa while he munched was hard though, much harder than it normally it. The burgers looked so tasty and smelled damn good, even if I do say so myself. I'm a good cook when I put my mind to it, and I'm really looking forward to tasting all this stuff myself at a later date. I contented myself with sniffing the burger, feeling shocked that he wouldn't add cheese as a burger without cheese is just wrong, and noting that I would only need one burger for a meal and maybe a corn on the cob whereas the boy will happily scoff two burgers and add chips.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Day 53- Scales Must Be Broken

Stupid scales. Clearly they are broken and need to be replaced by far more intelligent scales that will obediently tell me my weight is going down.

I know I've got muscle weight because new leg muscles have appeared, which is very pleasing, but my jeans are as snug as ever so I know my body fat isn't going down. The boy assures me I look slimmer but it's not good enough dammit.

Sat through Sunday lunch again at work. It wasn't too much trouble until they decided to make broccoli and cauliflower cheese and my god the smell. If there ever was a trigger smell it's cheese. I can resist tasty tasty bacon, but melted cheese! I had to take myself away.

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Day 52- November!

I can't believe it's November. My new house is beautiful and the cat has decided to give the official seal of approval by rubbing her face everywhere so we all know she's agreed to live here. Obviously the house now belongs to her and I'm just the minion that does the cleaning. Er, well I would if I knew where the cleaning stuff was packed!

I remain unimpressed with the lack of weight loss and am suspiciously checking the scale every morning and it's not escaped my knowledge that the numbers are not moving. At all. Seriously, what the hell.

I'm starting to wonder whether it's my fault. I don't drink enough water and I sometimes rely on the bars far too much even though I know they make me hungry and are higher in carbs. I keep winding myself up with thoughts of Slimming World or WeightWatchers, or thoughts of eating food for a couple of days and then going back to the food packs to kick start my weight loss again. Even I know these thoughts are a diversionary tactic.

Friday, 31 October 2014

Day 51- Shock to the System

Today hit me quite hard as I've been off work on annual leave and suddenly had to get up today at 6am to be in for 7am. When I woke up I honestly thought my knees had vacated the building. My knees have always been a little bit weak (can't blame the poor things given the amount of weight I've forced them to carry around) and yesterday's hard work during the move had really taken it's toll.

I'm still sulking about the 1/2 pound loss. Just thought I'd let you know.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Day 50- 7th Weigh In

Today has been pretty awful really, upon reflection.

My personal trainer is on holiday today but seeing as how we were moving house that was kind of a bonus. I finally accepted that we have far more stuff than I ever thought possible to cram into a small 3 bedroom house. Moving was pretty epic and involved lots and lots of heavy carrying up and down stairs. I'm more tired than after a personal training session.

To cap it all off, I went to my Lighterlife group and have only lost 1/2 a pound. What the hell. Nursing my bitterness, I have tried to remind myself that I know this happens sometimes, that actually I've lost 29 pounds in 7 weeks and that normally when I reach a 2 stone loss mark I fall off the wagon because I tend to hit a plateau. I was not a happy bunny though and pretty much sulked for the entire group.

On the plus side, this is the 50 day mark and I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself. I've not cheated or slipped once.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Day 49- 6 Bin Bags

In preparing for the epic move, I have been merciless with my clothes. Anything that hasn't been worn this year because it's vile, anything that has seen better days and anything that doesn't fit me anymore by miles has ended up in the recycle bin bag. 6 bin bags later, I have come to the conclusion that this is a little ridiculous. And I'm not even finished.

I love that I'm packing clothes that I like to wear but know as long as I stick to my plan, they will all end up being recycled. That's a lovely thought.

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

Day 48- Ed Sheeran Concert

We went to see Ed Sheeran at Manchester Arena tonight. He was fantastic and we had a blast. We'd bought VIP tickets to get better seats and as part of that got to sit in The View bar/restaurant. We were given free champagne and as I couldn't have it, I decided to "treat" myself with a couple of diet cokes. This is the first time I've ever really done anything like this in the past 48 days but I don't count it as breaking abstinence because although Lighterlife say citric acid can affect ketosis, there's really no evidence to suggest that, and you'd need a lot more than 2 diet cokes. I've never drunk much fizzy pop aside from when not drinking alcohol and out with friends so I didn't see the harm. The funny thing was, I downed 2 cokes as I was thirsty but they didn't quench my thirst and after 6 weeks of drinking water, the difference was really noticeable. The other thing was the bloating. It happened pretty much instantly and left me feeling quite uncomfortable. Some treat that was! Serves me right I suppose but it's a good reminder to stay away from the stuff even when it is allowed.

I bought a concert t-shirt in a size small while I was there. I can't even get it on over my shoulders at the minute and I keep feeling anxious that I should of got a medium as I'll never fit into a t-shirt that small. It's a scary thought to be honest. I know, given my 5 foot 2 frame, that a small should be a perfect fit, but it seems like a really long way away. If I'm being honest, it seems like being a completely different person and that's quite hard psychologically to get my head around.

Aside from the diet coke, I managed the trip to Manchester by using Lighterlife bars and didn't mind so much when my husband had mini burgers at The View. I took the opportunity to peruse the menu and decide which would be the best choices to make were I actually eating. This turned out to be a fun game!

I felt slimmer today. It was an odd feeling. After the bloat of the fizzy pop had died down, my jeans felt snug again and my t-shirt a perfect fit. I felt really good. I'd cut my hair before the concert in a fit of frustration at how long it has gotten, and just blunt cut it to below my shoulders. A good 4 inches or so got cut off and I was much happier, even if I did mess up the layers I tried to put in at the front. They're OK at the moment but will probably need a professional to tidy them up. I felt positive and in charge though, and that's a good feeling.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Day 47- Business as Usual

My week off work finished today and getting up at 6am was a bit of a shock. I diligently took my food packs with me to work and my water, and as usual, I didn't actually eat until I got home at 5pm. Oh well. I keep meaning to do better with spacing my packs out and drinking all my water but it never seems to happen like that.

Sunday, 26 October 2014

Day 46- Still Packing

It's been a nice day, spending time with my husband and getting things sorted for moving. Not much else to report other than my scales refusing to budge. This is supposed to be the week where I drop 4 or 5 pounds as I had my small loss week last week. Hmmm.

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Day 45- Packing

Today has mostly consisted of attempting to start the packing ready for the big move in a few days. Not much else to report other than it's now 45% of the way through!

Friday, 24 October 2014

Day 44- And here comes the pain

If you're a regular reader you will know that every Thursday I write about how much I love my personal training sessions, and every Friday I whinge about how much pain I am in. Oh my God. My chest feels like it's been hit with a hammer and my muscles have locked up. I can't lift anything because my arms refuse. My lower back and neck are also on strike.

On the plus side, my body is changing. I've previously lost about 2 stone before and gotten down to about 15 stone 4 pounds. At that weight I generally notice my body gets curvier and my thighs get thinner. I'm very lucky in that I have some pretty nice curves and I'm suspicious there's going to be a lovely hourglass figure under all the fat, if the curves that suddenly appear are anything to go by. I'm currently 15 stone 11 and I'm noticing those familiar changes but there's something else too. I have muscles! My upper arms are harder. This is very new, as when I've lost weight before, I've been to the gym but I've never done boxing and resistance training before. I spent a good few minutes poking them this morning, resulting in more pain, and am currently quite impressed.

I'm very interested in how sport and different activities change how your body looks. My main focus is on losing fat and toning areas so my body looks half decent and not saggy afterwards but I do like the idea that you can change the shape of your body. For example, yoga and pilates lengthen your muscles so you can appear leaner whereas tennis players have thick thighs from the power needed to dash around a court. No prizes for guessing which body type I'd prefer!

I had a chat with my personal trainer yesterday, which I forgot to mention, about running. He wanted me to do that awful thing where I have to run to the side of the gym, run back and punch the punch bag a number of times before repeating. I told him I wasn't going to run during our training sessions again. We were forced to run at school and I always hated it. I genuinely blame school for my dislike of exercise and sports. Now I'm older, I know that I do like jogging and would like to build my fitness so I can do more of it, but it needs to be done my own way and not because someone else is making me. I don't want being made to do it during training affecting my enjoyment of it on the treadmill, even if it is psychological and irrational. Obviously, my trainer was completely supportive of this, and I think I managed to exercise some demons at the same time.

Today has mostly been about reflection and relaxation. I am in the process of packing as we move next week, so I've been removing clothes from my wardrobes for recycling. I'm pleased to say I'm being quite harsh about it. Anything that is too big is gone. Anything that is too small that I won't ever wear is also gone. Go me!

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Day 43- 6th Weigh In

I'm feeling very happy and pleased with myself. It's been a very good day.

I had my personal training session again this morning. I've accepted the fact that I feel like I'm dying for the entire hour every time but I do really enjoy it, especially the boxing. My trainer mixed it up a bit today and we did some weight training. Haha well, I tried! He took me to the weights section in the gym which I've never set foot in and told me we were going to try some weight-lifting as apparently it's great for fat burning. So I lay down on the bench and wait for him to put some weights on the bar. Then he tells me that we are just going to start with the bar without any weights on it. Easy peasy, I think. First problem hit when I extended my arms and tried to take the bar off the resting point. My arms are not long enough to extend farther than that so the resting point had to be lowered! Then I couldn't hold the weight of the bar. Turns out the bar weights 20kg all by itself. I was not happy at this point and felt really pathetic. With a lot of encouragement I did some lifting but I swear I really have no upper body strength. Because he's a little bit sadistic, my trainer then decided he wanted me to do standing up lifts, which I really struggled to do. My upper arms felt like jelly by the end.

We did some more boxing and I really need to start doing this in the week between sessions as it's so much fun. I've been a bit slack on the gym front for the past couple of weeks and only been going once a week. I'm determined to get some time in at the weekend though. My trainer is off on his holidays next week so I'm trainer-less for the week. I'm moving next Thursday anyway so it's good timing really. I'm going to have to be organised and plan when I'm going to the gym to keep it up on my own, and then he's back the week after.

Armed with a black coffee I did my Lighterlife homework which we'd been told not to do as the counsellor wanted to do it in the session. I find it really helpful to come up with things on my own and then have a different take on it in class though. This week is all about mastery. I've achieved a few things in my life that I'm proud of. I work really hard at my relationship and am pleased to report I have a very happy marriage, and I'm much less of a bitch than I used to be. I'm much more in control of my emotions and I've worked hard at that in the past few years.

I'm really happy with how I'm doing at Lighterlife. I genuinely have abstained from food for 43 days, I'm going to the gym, I'm eating my food packs and working on my personal development, I attend the meetings and don't just pick up my packs and go. I'm making an effort with my hair and make-up, wearing nice clothes and accessories, and using beauty products.

In the group we looked at what tools you need to achieve your goals and gain mastery over different areas of your life. It's actually made me think about my career and although I love my job, I don't want to be there in 5 years time. Ideally I'd use my immense determination and stubbornness, and creativity and people skills, to run my own business from home. It's something I'm going to look at properly when I've finished this programme. Right now I need all of my determination and focus to do Lighterlife.

So, my results! It's my small loss week so I was expecting a low number but really hoping I'd get to the 2 stone loss mark. I've lost 2.5 pounds this week bringing my total to 2 stone and half a pound in 6 weeks! That will do me nicely thank you very much. My wonderful husband is buying me a Pandora charm for each stone lost so I'll hopefully have 8 or 9 dangly topaz charms by the time I'm finished.

I picked up more of the new pea and ham soup flavour food packs this week. They are definitely at the top of my list at the moment. Probably something to do with living off the spag bol ones for the last few weeks. My top food packs list goes something like this at the moment:

1. Pea and Ham soup
2. Spaghetti Bolognese
3. Toffee Bar (tastes a little like a toffee crisp)
4. Nut Fudge Bar (tastes a little like a snickers)
5. Porridge

There were different people at the group this week as they normally attend the Monday group but switched for one week out of convenience. They were really nice and I'm not going to say much about them as the groups are confidential. One thing I do want to mention is that people have different approaches to Lighterlife but there's no way I would pay to do this diet and lapse repeatedly. I don't see the point and it must make it so much harder. I'm not sure I could keep on week after week if I was not abstaining completely.

So, I picked my husband up from work in my new dress (he loves me wearing dresses) with my hair curly and my make-up done, feeling pretty damn good and informed him of the news. He whisked me away to pick up the charm. When the sales assistant asked what the occasion was, I said "because I deserve it" and oh how right was I. I'm so happy I've lost 2 stone.

We had dinner in one of the restaurants and I loved it. The mister had a lasagne which apparently was really nice but obviously not as good as my homemade one, and I had a black coffee which I enjoyed. I just can't make them right at home so having one out feels like a real treat. My husband got all gooey and romantic about how pretty and girly I looked, and we had a lovely night.

Hurrah for Lighterlife!

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Day 42- Dresses and Mars Bars

My Nan took me shopping to buy some jeans as I'm getting a bit desperate for new ones. I only have one pair that actually fits me now, and I pretty much live in jeans. Unfortunately Evans in the retail park we went to didn't have any blue jeans in size 18 short length. They did have a black pair but you may as well take advantage of the buy 1 get 1 half price offer so we decided to leave it. Instead, my Nan bought me a size 14 dress from Dorothy Perkins!!!

OK OK so I'm not actually a size 14! It's stretchy and just about wearable. This means it should last a good couple of months and it's pretty enough to wear to the few nights out I have planned in the next month or so. (I'm going to see Ed Sheeran in concert next week and we have VIP tickets!). It's a lovely mix of autumn type colours and best of all, the hemline is just above my knee which is really hard to find as I'm a pint-sized person at 5 foot 2 inches.

I drove back to Sheffield tonight. On the way I popped into a petrol station to pay for fuel and was immediately drawn to the enormous Mars Bars. It's funny but I remember Mars Bars being a lot smaller when I was a kid, more like the fun sized ones you can get now. The ones in the petrol station were about twice the size. I have to admit, I wanted it. In previous times I would scoff and scoff on the way home to Sheffield because it's a boring drive and usually I am feeling stressed after being around my family. And when I say scoff, I do mean to the point of being nauseous by the time the 2 hour drive was over. I feel quite sad about that now.

Needless to say, I indulged in a moment of "mmm, Mars Bar" and moved on. I think that mental pull towards stuff I don't need and don't even really like to eat will always be there. I'm always going to have to be mindful of my food choices.

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Day 41- Hiding from the storm

It's such a horrible day out there. All wind and howling, and the thunder at 10am freaked me out because it was so loud I thought it was inside the house!

I'm still in Liverpool. It's been good to spend time at home even if I do find it stressful. I spoke to my Mum about Lighterlife today and got a really strange reaction. She was completely disinterested, made a couple of comments about the cost, then left the room. Hmm.

Just to give you a bit of history here... my Mum used to be slim. I've seen the teenage photos to prove it. Around the time she had me, she'd put on weight. Steadily she's become bigger and bigger as the years have passed and has been on one diet or another ever since I can remember. My stepfather is also very large and is on and off diets too. Normally we'd speak about it in a general way- my Mum and I have been on pretty much every diet going but she's more of a constant dieter than me and is usually on weightwatchers or slimming world.

I wasn't sure what to make of her reaction. She's doing some random combination of low carb slimming world with a Herbal Life shake for breakfast. I'm not sure mixing and matching is a good idea but far be it for me to criticise.

I've also been trying to convince them to come to Sheffield over Christmas or New Year so I can cook for them. I've never actually cooked dinner for my family due to my Mum's insistence that the world will end if this happens. Seriously- she acts like she's allergic to my cooking even though she's never tried it. Argh, parents.

Monday, 20 October 2014

Day 40- 40% done

Well, that's nearly halfway there! I never thought I'd make it this far!

I travelled to Liverpool today to stay for a couple of days with my family. I talked to my Nan about Lighterlife and that's the first time I've spoken to someone about it other than the people at Lighterlife and my husband. My Nan was supportive which was nice. She's seen me do loads of diets and not get very far so I'm glad I waited until I'd been doing it for a while before I told her.

I spent some time today thinking about the future and what will happen when I've gotten to my goal weight. I just can't bear the idea that I'd eat my way back up to this weight. I'm actually starting to feel scared about eating food again and just going back to my usual eating habits. I know I've still got a long way to go and plenty of time to make these kind of adjustments but I can't help the thoughts popping up all the time.

Sunday, 19 October 2014

Day 39- Will-power

I'm so proud of myself for today. I've been worried about how things were going to work out with Lighterlife today and I'm really pleased. I went to Blackpool for work for the day to go on the fairground and see the illuminations (my job is great sometimes!) and I knew the day would be filled with food.

In the morning I avoided the bacon sandwiches everyone had before we left, then the McDonalds when we arrived finally in Blackpool. I'd taken 3 toffee bars with me for the day so tried to space them out. We had dinner in a fish and chip shop which was so hard. Everyone was sat around eating food that smelled amazing. I kept nursing black coffees and avoiding all the questions people were asking about me. It's nice they are concerned I'm not eating but that made it even harder- and I'm still not ready to talk to work colleagues about what I'm doing. I then avoided sugar doughnuts and then pizza when we got back to Sheffield!

As well as being proud of myself for staying strong and sticking to the plan, there were also issues at the fairground. Earlier this year I went to Alton Towers and really enjoyed the rides but struggled to fit the safety overhead harnesses on which worried me, and then at another theme park I had to get off a ride because they wouldn't fit. It was humiliating. At Blackpool Pleasure Beach I really wanted to go on all the rides because they are so much fun but I was scared of being humiliated again so chose very carefully which rides I went on. Even so, I felt very anxious queuing up. I wish things hadn't gotten to this stage, I really do.

Yet more reasons to stick to the plan.

Saturday, 18 October 2014

Day 38- ALL the Carbs

It's been a long and busy shift at work today. I'd brought some spaghetti Bolognese packs with me and it turned out the people at work were having the same! So I sat at the table with all the buttery pasta, garlic bread and buttered bread available. There are times when I really get quite strong cravings for carbs and I haven't figured out where they come from. Maybe it's just a taste thing sometimes!

Friday, 17 October 2014

Day 37- New Soup!

So busy doing housework today that it passed by in a flash.

I tried the new pea and ham soup that is now available and I have to say that I am impressed. I'm not a big fan of soup- I quite like the taste of the mushroom one but because of the bits of dried mushrooms, you have to blend it to make it edible and that's a bit of a faff. The pea and ham one just needs a good whisk. I'm going to be ordering more of these next week for sure. I've also deviated from my usual 7 toffee bars to include a few nut fudge bars for a change.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Day 36- 5th Weigh In

I've had a great day. After realising the Mister had today off work, we spent a leisurely morning in bed which was really nice. Due to both of us working shifts, we only get one, maybe two days off a week together, and it's never enough time. I did a good impersonation of the perfect wife and got up to cook him a sausage sandwich for breakfast, which he was very grateful for, and made up a packed lunch for him for later.

We got to the gym for 11.30am and I had my personal training session while he drank coffee in the café. I was a bit pathetic during my session. I think the lack of sleep and not eating all of the food packs have impacted on my fitness. Or I could just be really unfit. It's probably both!

We did more boxing and my trainer approved of the gloves. I really enjoy boxing, it makes it seem like fun rather than exercise although I spent most of it out of breath and feeling like my muscles were abdicating all responsibility for any kind of stamina. I did it though and felt good afterwards.

After that, I watched the Mister do some rock-climbing and faff in the gym. I wasn't in the mood for climbing so I went for a swim and then we spent some time in the spa pool and in the sauna.

Then I went to my Lighterlife group. I was anxious about my weight loss as last week I'd only lost 2 pounds. My pattern seems to be that I have a big loss, then a small loss, then a big loss again and I'd kept my fingers crossed. My scales at home were indicating about 4 pounds so when the Lighterlife scales registered a 6 pound loss I was more than happy. That's 26 pounds in 5 weeks and means next week I should hit the 2 stone mark. Hurrah!

The group was interesting tonight. There were quite a few people there although I'm not keen on the mix. The people doing Total like me didn't stay to group and the other people there are either in Management or on Lite. It was still a group of lovely people but I do wish there were groups of people just doing Total who were in a similar position to me.

We looked at the Johari window in class. I'm not a fan of this exercise as I don't find it particularly useful. It's basically 4 headings and it makes you think about what is known about you to everyone, what are your secrets that nobody knows, what is known to others but not you and what is unknown. My husband had come up with some good insights into me which I was kind of aware of, for example, I prioritise other people's experience of food over my own so I'm more likely to feed myself crap whereas I will cook good healthy food if I'm feeding others.

There was quite a sad moment in class tonight. The counsellor was saying that everybody had secrets, things you were too embarrassed about or ashamed about to share with anyone else, and myself and another woman disagreed with this because we both tell our husbands everything. I've done things in the past that I'm not proud of, but a long time ago I realised that my biggest destructive pattern when it came to food was being secretive so I make a real effort to tell my husband when I do things I'm not proud of. I felt quite sad that there were only 2 of us the group who felt we could tell everything to at least one person. And very lucky that I have my wonderful husband.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Day 35- Another quickie

35% completed! Hurrah!

Another quick post. I'm still struggling to eat all of my 4 foodpacks a day due to lack of interest. I was again sat in McDonalds, for my job, with the smell driving me mad. I cooked for the Mister and really enjoyed doing that.

I bought some boxing gloves to use at the gym and ended up paying £45 for them as the cheaper ones were not supporting my wrist. I also bought some Bio-Oil which is something I've been meaning to do for ages. You have to put it on twice a day and hopefully it will reduce the appearance of my stretch marks, of which there are many. And that's pretty much it for today!

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Day 34- Frosty

It was our staff away day which involves the whole staff team doing training together away from our place of work and everybody bringing something for a buffet lunch, then food and drinks out in the evening.

I was still nursing a grudge from yesterday with my colleague so wasn't particularly looking forward to it. She fussed over me today, clearly feeling the frostiness coming from me. At the end of the day I kind of put it down but I'm ready to hold my ground with her now. I'm not the only person who struggles with her attitude sometimes but there's a line I'm not prepared to let her cross with me.

I have to admit that I sulked for most of the day. I avoided lunchtime and a few people commented on my not eating, which I find really hard. I nursed a black coffee and just got on with it. I declined to go out after the training too and that increased my sulk because I felt like I was missing out.

I sulked at home too! But then I practiced my roast potatoes and got them spot on so that was quite satisfying.

I'm struggling with the Lighterlife packs at the moment. I'm just not interested in them, and because I'm firmly in ketosis, I'm just not hungry most of the time.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Day 33- Ice Queen

It's been an odd day. I slept at work last night and really could not settle resulting in about 2 or 3 hours broken sleep. I'm one of those 8 hours sleep kind of people and can just about function on 4 hours if I have to, but not less. So picture me at 7am at work not a very happy bunny.

I happened to be on shift with someone I struggle to work with as she is somewhat bossy and demanding. An interesting situation happened where she told me to do something (Z) and I said I wanted to do X and Y before I did Z, and gave my reasons. Mostly this was because I wasn't sure I needed to do Z at all and doing X and Y first would indicate that. She really wasn't happy with this and kept telling me to do Z. It became quite uncomfortable with her telling me I was being challenging to her, and how I help my temper I will never know, but I held my ground. Turns out my instinct was right and she was wrong about me having to do Z. My colleague is the kind of person that when she says "jump", if you don't say "how high", she keeps on at you until you back down out of boredom or frustration but obviously with a couple of hours sleep and my instinct on an issue which I know more about than she does, I wasn't prepared to say "how high".

After this, she faffed around me a bit and I think she was trying to be nice but I was so irritated that I was the ice queen and she got my frosty cold shoulder. I do a brilliant ice queen impression when I'm seriously not happy!

Due to the lack of sleep and general unpleasantness of confrontation, I was feeling a bit emotional after work and made a bit of an odd decision. The Mister and I have invited his family to stay with us for a week over Christmas. This is a big deal for me as we don't see much of them and I've never cooked for them, and the Mister has never hosted Christmas, it's usually his sister. Obviously this is a ridiculous thing to do as we move house at the beginning of November, have to decorate it, then host Christmas and have it ready for that. No pressure then! I've planned to start force-feeding the Mister roast dinners to perfect my homemade Christmas dinner, which he is more than willing to do. So I decided to cook a roast dinner after work.

Interestingly, I felt loads better afterwards. I think doing something positive with food made me feel more in control again. I'm not sure I approve of myself still using food to control my feelings but I guess cooking for others is more positive than me stuffing my face. It went rather well actually, I made roast potatoes for the first time and homemade stuffing. The Mister is mightily upset because I've now ruined Paxo stuffing for him which he loves, as the homemade stuffing was miles better.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Day 32- Just a Quickie

Just a quick one for today as I've mostly been busy at work. I've successfully avoided roast dinner at work and lots and lots of chocolate. It's been a good day in general and one of those that have just flown by.

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Day 31- Lazy days

It's been lovely today. Last night my wonderful husband gave me a massage and we slept in late this morning. We had a leisurely breakfast (sausage sandwich for him, spaghetti Bolognese food pack for me) and spent most of the day curled up on the sofa talking about the house we are moving into next month and what our plans are for it.

I cooked him a homemade curry which he loves- I usually made a completely different one for me as I like the creamy almond type curry whereas he loves dryer cumin types- so it was no heartache to cook it and I do love to watch him enjoy my home-cooking.

Tonight's plans include X Factor and more massage. I'm a lucky girl!

Friday, 10 October 2014

Day 30- Pain and Hormones

Today marks 30% of the 100 days done and dusted. I'm pretty pleased with that and proud of myself for sticking with it. Aside from the general smugness, I am mostly feeling sore and in pain. Yesterday's boxing and resistance training which was so much fun then, is not having a fun effect on my muscles. I can barely move today and the act of sitting down or standing up really hurts. It doesn't help that I'm due to start my period soon (sorry if that's too much info!) and so I've spent the day resting while crying at stupid films and feeling like I need to eat all seven of my toffee bar food packs. It's weird wanting to binge on food packs!

I managed to cook for the mister without too much trouble although sniffing the basil plant nearly sent me over the edge and rushing out to buy cheese and walnuts to eat with it. I've noticed on this diet that my sense of smell has become extremely heightened. As an example, we can walk around the restaurants area in our local shopping centre and I can smell the food cooking in the kitchens and make judgements about where is cooking fresh food and where is using processed rubbish. It's a lot of fun actually! (Or is that just really sad?!) I'm getting a lot of enjoyment out of sniffing food at the moment, especially fresh food. Processed food just doesn't smell very good.

I'm definitely hormonal and I've eaten 2 of my once-a-day bars today. I have to say though, I spaced them out and it was a decision rather than a lack of self-control. I don't mind making minor allowances when I'm feeling a bit crap, and the bars help with that.

My husband has promised me a massage tonight which I'm hoping will help with all the muscle pain. He's a mortgage advisor by day and my personal, somewhat gifted, masseuse by night! He can usually deal with any aches or pains I get (I'm a lucky girl). Tomorrow may turn into a very lazy day as we both have it off and no plans. There was a vague plan to go the gym together but I'm going to judge that tomorrow and see whether it's still painful to move!

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Day 29- 4th Weigh In

Hmmm. Weigh in again tonight and another 2 pounds lost. So far it's been 9, 2, 7, 2 in the weight loss department. A bit of a pattern emerging I think. Still, that makes 20 pounds altogether so I'm happy. We chatted about perceptions tonight in class, how people look at you when you are large, how you look at yourself when you're large or have lost all the weight, and what you think everyone else is thinking about you when really they're just worried about what you are thinking about them! We've been given new module booklets too so I'm looking forward to doing my next homework.

I had my second personal training session today too. It was so much fun. We did some more resistance training. I'm still feeling like I have a bit of a cold so I just took it easy and had lots of rest in between the harder stuff. Then we did some boxing which I loved. The trainer is some kind of kickboxing champion (how cool is that?) and he took me through some different punches. Apparently I have good right and left hooks! He's very positive and complimentary, which I suppose is part of his job, but it certainly works. He's advised I pick up some cheap boxing gloves so I can practice in the gym on my own in between our sessions.

The mister and I had a bit of a chat about how much money I'm spending at the moment. Lighterlife, gym membership and personal training all add up, not to mention the money I'm spending on rewards and distractions. My husband is very supportive about what I'm doing, which I'm so thankful for. I feel like this is the right time for me, like everything is just working in a way it never has before. Now is the time to sort my weight out- something I've never actually done before. I've always given up. Right now I feel like I'm on a train that is gathering speed and if I can just stay aboard then I'll get where I'm going. I know it's silly to spend lots of money on clothes that won't fit me in a few weeks but if it makes me feel good about myself and what I'm doing, then it's worth it. With that in mind, we went shopping!

Since becoming an adult, I've had a thing about sexy lingerie. When I was younger, my Nan bought me minimiser bras in plain black and white to help me control and hide my large bust. It wasn't until I was about 20 years old that I realised this was entirely the wrong thing to be doing and opened my eyes to how useful and attractive a large bust can be. One of the (few) perks of being larger is the extra curve in that department and since realising that, I like to accentuate it as much as possible. So over the years I've always worn really nice stuff even as everyday wear. I'm normally a 40F in the bra department, and to be honest, I'm quite nervous about losing weight in that area as being curvy is very important to my sense of attractiveness. My husband is also a little anxious about it, if truth be told! He's a little bit disturbed that my bras don't fit and I'm now a 38E. To cheer him up (well, that's my excuse!) we went shopping for some new underwear that fits in Boux Avenue. I adore this shop as it has an adult elegant style and always smells wonderful. We bought 3 sets of underwear in colours that suit me and the room diffuser in the white chiffon fragrance for our bedroom. I love the way they wrap your purchases up in a box with fragranced petals and wrapping paper. It makes you feel special when you get your lingerie home and unwrap it.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Day 28- Rewards and Distractions

Today has mostly been about shopping. My feet got drowned yesterday on the way to work due to me wearing sneakers rather than anything sensible when it's raining so it was off to the shops to buy some boots. I adore shoe shopping. Most of my shoes are high heels that are fabulous but completely impractical. I got some boots that are fairly flat heeled so I can wear them to work and I was really pleased that they fit around my calf as that is usually an issue. I did stroke the pretty heels a few times but had satisfy myself with just the boots. I also got a few books as I think I need a distraction other than the TV. Today felt very much like a reward day which is what I usually do after I've completed each week but it was nice to go and spend a bit of money on myself.

I also did my homework from the last counselling session today, again as a bit of a distraction. This section of the booklet was about things you want to stop doing, do more of, start doing and then a section on making some personal goals based on what you've been thinking about. Mine were mostly about not sitting on the sofa anymore and making more of an effort to go to the gym. Some were about making an effort with my appearance and I'd like to sort my clothes out because honestly, my clothes are dreadful. Half of them don't fit properly or are really old, and I've not got a real sense of coordination because I don't plan outfits. So one of the things I'd like to do is plan some outfits for each size that I am at, and have them ready handing in the wardrobe so I can feel good about how I look.

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Day 27- Adult Mindset

No sulking for me today! This morning in a fit of hopeful anticipation I decided to try on the next size down jeans- and I got them on! They're definitely a snug fit but wearable and a lot smarter than my other jeans which need binning frankly. I was full of energy today and even did my make-up and hair nice. I looked pretty damn good today! Not that anyone at work bloody noticed. But that didn't matter too much.

I made an important adult decision while at work today during staff meeting. I work with teenagers in a residential unit and eating meals and doing activities is a part of my job. So far I've managed to fudge the evening meals with using the meal food packs without too much bother. Staff were arranging a day out in a couple of weeks that I'm taking the kids out on and one of the options was a meal out. Now there's no way I can sit at a restaurant and not eat but neither can I take a food pack there so I had a quiet word with the person organising the trip and explained I really did not want to go for a meal but would happily do another activity, which they were happy to agree to. They we discussed the Christmas staff night out and the night out we are having next week. The one next week is a training day where we are all bringing food in for lunch (I'm taking bread) which I'm obviously not going to participate in, but after that they are going out for drinks and I'm not going to go. The Christmas night out will include a 3 course meal, and again, I can't just sit there with a food pack.

I thought about it and then I volunteered to work that night and not attend the Christmas meal. I know if I go, I'll have a planned lapse and I don't want to do that. Last year I lost 2 stone just before December doing Atkins and then the whole of December and January was filled with social occasions that revolve around food and I went completely off track and never recovered from it, hence going on Lighterlife. So I'm not doing that this year. Christmas and all it's food-related nonsense can bugger off. I'm going to enjoy Christmas for a lovely family celebration that doesn't need to rely on food, and I'm not going to put myself in situations that make it harder.

Someone commented to me today that I must have iron will-power. I don't, I really don't. Put me in a restaurant with a 3 course meal and I'd eat it. The best I can do is not be in the situation. I feel really good about speaking to my colleague about the activity, about not going out next week and about volunteering to work during the Christmas night out. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself at all, just making good choices so I can enjoy it all next year after completing what I've set out to do.

Monday, 6 October 2014

Day 26- Sulking

I could murder a cup of tea. Forget food, I'm not bothered. But tea, glorious, soothing, comforting tea? Oh god I miss it so. Seriously, black tea, green tea, black coffee etc are all vile. I've basically given up hot drinks for the duration of the diet and right now I feel like having a full on temper tantrum over it. An honest to goodness full on strop. Unfortunately the mister has been absolutely wonderful recently by cleaning the entire house while I've been unwell so I can't really aim the tantrum in his direction. He's currently trying to placate me with a foot massage and helpful comments about my ankles feeling smaller but I get the feeling that he and the cat are bracing themselves for a complete meltdown.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

Day 25- 25% complete

Well that's the first 25% of the 100 days of Foundation complete. Hurrah! I've managed to remain completely abstinent for this which I'm pleased about.

Today has been extremely stressful- partly due to work and partly due to still feeling poorly. I've managed it fine and didn't crack even with the temptation of curry on the dinner table at work. Luckily I had been aware that we would be doing that for dinner so brought some curry flavoured food packs and tried to ignore the fact that I was aware of all the delicious smells.

Saturday, 4 October 2014

Day 24- Om Nom Nom Nom

The cold that has been brewing over the past few days finally hit this morning and it took all my energy to move from the bed to the sofa. I'd used all the Kleenex in the space of an hour and failed miserably to summon the will to make a food pack due to the overwhelming snottiness of the situation. The only thing that cheered me up all morning were the scales which are very encouraging at the moment and I'm hoping for another good loss next week as I've lost another 2 pounds and there's 5 more days to go before weigh-in.

I finally made something to eat at about 1.30pm so decided to mix two spaghetti Bolognese packs together. I also added some Italian seasoning to liven it up a bit. It was DELICIOUS. Or maybe I've forgotten what real food tastes like! Now, I know technically we aren't supposed to add spices or seasoning to the food packs, however, it won't affect ketosis. I think the reason they say it isn't allowed is because there is the concern that if you start messing about with the packs, you'll be tempted to add things that will interfere with ketosis. It's a slippery slope I guess. From my point of view though, adding a bit of Italian seasoning to the spaghetti bolognese or cinnamon to the porridge is a far cry from eating all the doughnuts.

This evening I have mostly been feeling snotty and pathetic. I've been fantasising about comfort food such as thick white bread with lots of butter to dip into a stew or mounds of cheesy buttery pasta with garlic bread or... well, it's all about the carbs really. Sadly this is not currently an option and I will have to wait for a few months before I can have those things (in moderation) again. Instead, I'm having the non-food related comfort of a furry hot water bottle to cuddle and trying desperately to ignore the smell of fajitas as the mister cooks his dinner. I have to admit, this whole dealing with your emotions thing instead of numbing them out with food is a bit pants really. I've spent my whole life using food and to suddenly not have that option is really hard- I haven't developed any other coping strategies :-( And my god, would I kill for a decent cup of tea with milk in it. (My other coping strategy). Oh well, onwards towards X Factor and having a good old sing-song.