Friday, 12 December 2014


I just wanted to pop back on here to keep things updated.

I came off Lighterlife. It's funny really, I could manage for days and days without cheating once but after a planned lapse I really could not get back into the strict structure of it all and completely failed to keep going.

I made the decision to have a bit of a break, go back to low carbing over Christmas and think about it in the New Year. If I manage better with low carb (which I prefer) then I'll stick with it but if I'm not losing weight then I'll be back on with Lighterlife.

Wish me luck!

Monday, 24 November 2014

Day 75- Serves Me Right

Today has been unpleasant. I woke up still feeling delicate from this weekend. Part of me wonders whether my body is just in shock from the alcohol and food after clean living for the past 3 months, and I've got a sneaking suspicion I feel like crap because I ate bread yesterday. I'm all bloated and feel a bit like I've been hit by a truck. When I make it to maintainence and we reintroduce food on a weekly basis it's going to be really interesting to see how I feel on bread week.

With utter horror I realised that I have two personal training sessions this week and one of them was this afternoon. I appreciate I can expect limited sympathy as it's completely self-inflicted but I did feel very pitiful today.

My first food pack today was difficult. My stomach is still feeling a bit off so I waited until I felt hungry before eating one and then my tummy was grateful for the food. It was kind of interesting to be hungry as when you are in ketosis you don't feel hungry hardly ever. It was very similar to when eating the sandwich yesterday- a physical sensation that felt a bit blank.

It took me a while to realise the blankness was the lack of emotional input. I ate the sandwich because my stomach needed something solid, not because I was hungry or emotional, and it wasn't at all interesting. I think food is becoming something much more mundane for me than it has been in the past which is fascinating to me! When I was hungry today it was a physical sensation but there was no sense of urgency, in fact, I was waiting for the physical signal before I tried to eat and it was a simple as that. This is very new to me. Food devoid of emotion (other than the simple pleasure of something tasting quite nice) is a completely new concept for me.

I'm also very dehydrated and have been thirsty all day. I did my training session and it kind of blew away the cobwebs but I can't say it was as pleasant as it normally is. My trainer knows about Lighterlife and actually said he thought I'd made the right decision about eating over the weeked, enjoying it, and then getting back on track. I guess that is what it's all about at the end of the day, and managing my weight in the future has to involve living in the real world.

I weighed myself this morning, convinced I would be 15 stone something, but no. I'm 14 stone 9 pounds which is what I was Saturday morning. It looks like I've just stalled ketosis rathen than piled on a load of glycogen but who knows. It could affect the scales tomorrow. Part of me kind of hopes it does, which is a little weird, but I guess I need to realise that scales go up and down depending on what you eat, but it's manageable and sticking to Lighterlife will sort it out until I'm in a place where I can use exercise and a balanced diet to manage my weight.

One thing I do feel the need to admit is that I'm writing this blog while sipping an illicit cup of tea that does indeed have milk in it. I'm done with the lack of tea to be honest. If my weight loss falls to 2 pounds a week consistently then I'll give it up again but for now I'm going to have the odd proper cup of tea. So there!

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Day 74- Lapse 2

So, the story continues from yesterday.

We woke up at 8am after going to bed at 5am due to one of our friend's adorable toddler who, after being safetly tucked away in bed for most of the night, was now ready to play with as many adults as posssible.

I have to say I felt thoroughly poisoned. Clearly copious amounts of gin is a bad idea. A Very Bad Idea. The boy felt equally rough even though he chucked up most of the red wine. Unsurprisingly we all felt somewhat delicate as we amused the toddler.

As our hosts were still asleep, we raided the fridge to find a suitable breakfast for the toddler and I suddenly realised something. There was absolutely no way I could stomach a food pack. I sipped water in an attempt to re-hydrate and had to admit I was going to be eating again. The boy and I discussed it, as eating this morning was most definitely not part of the plan and it's a slippery slope. I thought about it, as much as my hangover would allow, and knew I needed something solid to settle my stomach but there had to be a very strict line and once breakfast was done, there was to be nothing else.

By this point a lot of people were suffering, including our hosts, and more than one person chucked up. We are definitely growing old gracefully! I'd attempted a cup of tea but couldn't face it, and knew I was going to be sticking my head down the toilet at some point that morning so decided to down a lot of water to make it easier as chucking up gin and water is a lot easier than chucking up a sausage sandwich. However, the smell of the sausages cooking made me feel loads better and I was one of the only ones not to chuck up! Go me.

I was very careful about how I ate breakfast. The bread was French baguette and was cut into suitable portions so that took the portion decision away. I had three sausages. I probably only needed two to be fair, but I was proud of how I ate it. While the boy scoffed two sandwiches, I ate my one sandwich slowly and thoughtfully. After a couple of bites I felt better and was actually quite uninterested in the sandwich. Normally I'd scoff a couple of sandwiches before my tummy knew what hit it, but I took a long time with it. My brain registered that after a few bites I didn't really want any more but I knew my stomach needed some solid food so I ate the rest of the sandwich and paid attention to how unbothered I was, even though it tasted nice. I also had a cup of tea with some milk in it, and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. Tea remains my emotional crutch after all this time, and I did wonder why I've denied myself milky tea when a lot of others on Lighterlife don't and still lose weight.

The boy and I spent the rest of the day sat on our sofa cuddled up in pyjamas with the cat watching Disney films. I heated him up some of the chicken broth I'd made a couple of days ago and had a good sniff but was happy to watch him eat. Still feeling delicate, I couldn't face a food pack but I know I'll be back on it tomorrow.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Day 73- Lapse 1

The title of this post kind of gives it away really but stay tuned as this is not a case of fat girl loses three stone then eats her way back via McDonalds and Pizza Hut. (I promise).

My day started with a work shift beginning at 7am. Due to working a late last night, this ammounted to about six hours sleep so not the best start. However, I was feeling really excited about my friend's birthday party in the evening. Then it all kicked off at work and I got physically shoved. How I kept my temper I will never know. Needless to say, I was very angry and very stressed when the boy picked me up at 3pm.

Around this time I also got a phonecall from my friend's partner, who incidentally is my ex-partner. We're all very good friends though, despite the complications, and get on really well. They can be a bit scatty, just like me, so I wasn't totally suprised when he told me they'd changed the plans for the evening and instead of a buffet (which I was planning on ignoring) they were going to have a sit-down dinner. He then told me that they'd put a lot of thought into it and had a low-carb option all ready to do so I wouldn't need to worry about it. (They think I'm doing a low-carb diet because that's what I normally do and I haven't wanted to tell people I'm on Lighterlife).

Oh my god. The stress doubled and I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack there and then. The boy, being very sensible in a crisis, took me to buy shoes to go with my black and gold dress (see yesterday's blog). They did go perfectly, but I removed the gold satin laces and replaced them with black satin laces from another pair of Irregular Choice boots I own. (I own quite a few IC shoes now as they are stunning and my husband is very lovely)! The shoes did actually calm me down and then I sat and thought long and hard about what I was going to do.

I knew I couldn't cancel being there. She's a very good friend and would be devastated if I'd of cancelled at such short notice. I knew I couldn't arrive after the meal as they were having it quite late anyway. I wasn't prepared to have a food pack or nothing at all in front of seven of my friends- I've done it with the boy at a restaurant and it hasn't phased me, but I really couldn't cope with all of the questions from everyone. So I made the decision to break abstinence. I want to make something clear though, this was a really hard decision that I still feel somewhat guilty over. Being so close to achieving my 100 days is a bit gut-wrenching to be honest.

The thing that sealed the deal for me though was my reaction when I realised I was probably going to have to eat something. I completely panicked. I freaked out about coming off the diet and putting loads of weight back on and not being able to stop. The boy then very sensibly pointed out that I have enough food issues without giving myself another one. I never wanted to be one of those people who did abstinence religiously for a year- I needed the strict rules to start off with or I would of cheated and messed about, but I never wanted to panic over eating again.

With all that in mind, I made myself a plan. I'd already decided I was going to drink at the party. I'd ummed and ahhed about it, mostly because I didn't want alcohol to lower my inhibitions and for me to then attack the buffet table like a wild animal. We bought gin and soda water and lime cordial as this was the best drink I actually like. There's sugar in the lime cordial but compared to other drinks, it was probably the best option. My friend had given me the menu on the phone: French Onion soup with garlic croutons, Pork medallions with caramelised apples, carrots, leeks and potato rosti, and then another friend was bringing desert. My friend was going to leave out the croutons, apples and rosti from my plate and promised to do a small portion. I asked the boy for support so I didn't stuff my face and we agreed a few sips of soup, a little pork, carrots and leeks would probably not be the end of life as we know it, and I'd just have to ignore whatever desert it was. The plan was to crash at their house overnight so I ate a food pack before we left and took some with me for the following morning.

The party ended up being awesome. Dinner went as planned. I ignored the crudites on the table as an appetiser although the hummus and cucumber sticks were calling my name. I had about four sips of the onion soup which was tasty but not really my thing anyway, then subtly, with ninja-like skill, swapped my full bowl for the boy's empty bowl. The main course went well too. The pork medallions were tiny, so I ate one out of the three on the plate then palmed them off onto grateful friends. I have a couple of little roast carrots and leeks, and was done. Helpfully, my friend likes different foods to me so it ended up being quite easy to stick to my plan. He makes a mushroom risotto to die for and if he'd made that then the whole thing would have been quite different! It was weird eating food after 3 months of not. It did make the boy and I chuckle though to realise my first real food would be soup! I swear, after this diet, I'll never eat another soup again! The desert was tirimisu and I completely relaxed after this as I'm not much fussed about coffee flavoured things except actual coffee so was happy to watch everyone else indulge.

Everybody liked the dress, especially the cleavage (my friends aren't subtle). People commented on how good I looked which was really nice, and everyone appreciated the awesome shoes. One of my male friends looked me up and down and asked if I'd lost loads of weight, which was brilliant he even noticed! The boy was attentive all night as well and kept checking me out from across the room which made me smile!

One thing that felt a bit upsetting is my friend, whose birthday it was, wasn't happy with how she looked. I spotted it a mile away. Some of my friends are big like me and others are nymph-like but we all like to look good and I could tell she'd made an effort but wasn't happy. She looked lovely in fact. Part of me wanted to take her aside and talk about what I'm doing to encourage her, but I know people have to reach their crisis point in their own time before they are ready to do something about their weight and I'll be around to support her if or when she's ready. She looked brilliant anyway, I just wished she was happy.

It ended up being quite a heavy night of drinking, which is unusual for my friends at a house party. We all happily got trashed. They blamed the gin but they'd been drinking cocktails as well, which I'd avoided, and the boy was on red wine. Unusually for him, he'd had a bottle and a half of red wine before I'd even noticed and promptly spent time chucking it all up in the bathroom. Silly boy! We didn't go to bed until 5am which felt very naughty indeed.

Friday, 21 November 2014

Day 72- Stress

Today has been very stressful work wise. It's all kicking off and frankly the abuse is starting to grate. Maybe it's time to look for another job. Maybe I don't need to do a job where being verbally abused is part of it on a regular basis.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Day 71- Tenth Weigh-In

Another ketosis high hit hard and fast today and oh my was it fun. I completely realise that it's probably down to only having one food pack yesterday and I really should be kinder to my poor body at the moment but it couldn't be helped.

So I got up this morning refreshed after all the extra sleep and put another of my new pair of jeans on. I have to admit, Primark do decent jeans. They are only thin but they look nice enough and they are a hell of a lot cheaper than the jeans from Evans which is where I normally get my jeans. On the spur of the moment I decided to try the Ed Sheeran t-shirt I bought last month at the concert which I stressed about for days because I'd decided to buy a "small" as an incentive and then didn't think it would ever fit.

Oh My God. It fits.

I cannot begin to explain the joy. If you've never lost a lot of weight you won't possibly understand. I'm currently weighing in on my scales at 14 stone 9 pounds which is new territory for me and so exciting. I'm also loving my shape as it emerges and it's retaining a lovely hourglass figure for which I am very grateful... and so is the mister ;-)

Obviously the t-shirt is tight fitting and will look even better in a couple of weeks but it fits and is wearable. It's so exciting! The ketosis high and utter joy then prompted me to make the mister his sausage sandwich for breakfast while I had my porridge food pack and then I made him a packed lunch with yesterday's roast chicken. Then I put the chicken carcass and fresh sage and rosemary into a pot of water to boil for a few hours which makes an amazing chicken broth.

After that I danced around the house feeling awesome and curvy and amazing. It's the time of the month in my cycle where I generally do feel good about myself and attractive anyway, so it's hitting hard and I'm actually becoming quite vain!

I wore the T-shirt to show the group as they'd all heard the moan about how stressed I got when I bought it. Then the weigh in...

Oh yeah! 3 stone lost!

I've lost another five pounds making my total 3 stone in 10 weeks. I can live with that. Seriously, what other diet can make that claim and still leave you feeling pretty good at the end of the day (and not smelling like cabbage)?

To celebrate, the boy purchased my third Pandora dangly topaz charm. There's now three of them sitting on my bracelet looking very pretty indeed. We also went shopping for a dress as my friend's birthday party is this Saturday and it will be a group of our close friends, most of whom haven't seen me for a couple of months due to work and will hopefully be suitably shocked at my weight loss. I did get a dress when I went to Primark on Monday but having got it home I'm not sure.

I found a dress but the whole thing was somewhat surreal. A dress in the Topshop window caught my eye as it was gold and black, with decent cleavage exposure and a short hemline. Now, I know the old advice about either showing your legs or your cleavage but not both or you risk just looking slutty, however, this does not apply to me. I have a great rack and due to being five foot two, dresses only really look good on me when they fall above my knee. I do wear tights or leggings to preserve my modesty though.

Anyway, having not been in Topshop for a number of years, I was a bit hesitant about clothing sizes and had visions of open changing rooms where nymph-like teenagers prance about half naked complaining about how fat they are making you either want to smack them one or feed them a cheeseburger. I was a bit gutted that the largest size they seem to do is a size 16 but I grabbed it and headed into a (private) changing room. It fit. Well, no, I got it on, it didn't actually fit. It was miles too big. I stood there in shock for a bit as I know my size is roughly 18 at the moment. With a certain smugness I asked for a 14 but they didn't have one. Bollocks to this, thought I, as the dress looked pretty great aside from the baggy chest area. So I got a size 12 thinking that if I could actually get the damn thing on it might be worth buying for Christmas. One of the lovely things about Lighterlife is that I know I'll have lost another stone by Christmas.

I kid you not, I ended up stood in the damn cubicle in a size 8. I swear. All 14 stone 12 of me. Now, clearly I am not a size 8 and frankly I can't imagine being one. The dress obviously has tardis like properties. The cut of it is interesting and sits differently than on the picture. I had to buy a low cut see through bra to wear underneath it and tights. I bought the size 10 in the end as it seemed to sit better on me. I actually own a size 10 dress. So weird.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Day 70- Exhausted

Yesterday was a total nightmare involving me staying up all night at work. I have to admit, when someone made a cheese toastie at 2am I nearly cracked.

Today has mostly been about sleeping. I also made a roast chicken dinner, and the fresh herbs on the chicken smelled so good. And oh my the gravy! Watching the boy eat it was practically torture. Even the cat drooled over the chicken.

I've only managed one food pack today because my routine is all over the place. So much for going to the gym after work!

Also, my wedding rings no longer fit. I've had to put them on my Pandora bracelet to keep them safe as they flew off my hand when I shook it earlier.