Monday, 24 November 2014

Day 75- Serves Me Right

Today has been unpleasant. I woke up still feeling delicate from this weekend. Part of me wonders whether my body is just in shock from the alcohol and food after clean living for the past 3 months, and I've got a sneaking suspicion I feel like crap because I ate bread yesterday. I'm all bloated and feel a bit like I've been hit by a truck. When I make it to maintainence and we reintroduce food on a weekly basis it's going to be really interesting to see how I feel on bread week.

With utter horror I realised that I have two personal training sessions this week and one of them was this afternoon. I appreciate I can expect limited sympathy as it's completely self-inflicted but I did feel very pitiful today.

My first food pack today was difficult. My stomach is still feeling a bit off so I waited until I felt hungry before eating one and then my tummy was grateful for the food. It was kind of interesting to be hungry as when you are in ketosis you don't feel hungry hardly ever. It was very similar to when eating the sandwich yesterday- a physical sensation that felt a bit blank.

It took me a while to realise the blankness was the lack of emotional input. I ate the sandwich because my stomach needed something solid, not because I was hungry or emotional, and it wasn't at all interesting. I think food is becoming something much more mundane for me than it has been in the past which is fascinating to me! When I was hungry today it was a physical sensation but there was no sense of urgency, in fact, I was waiting for the physical signal before I tried to eat and it was a simple as that. This is very new to me. Food devoid of emotion (other than the simple pleasure of something tasting quite nice) is a completely new concept for me.

I'm also very dehydrated and have been thirsty all day. I did my training session and it kind of blew away the cobwebs but I can't say it was as pleasant as it normally is. My trainer knows about Lighterlife and actually said he thought I'd made the right decision about eating over the weeked, enjoying it, and then getting back on track. I guess that is what it's all about at the end of the day, and managing my weight in the future has to involve living in the real world.

I weighed myself this morning, convinced I would be 15 stone something, but no. I'm 14 stone 9 pounds which is what I was Saturday morning. It looks like I've just stalled ketosis rathen than piled on a load of glycogen but who knows. It could affect the scales tomorrow. Part of me kind of hopes it does, which is a little weird, but I guess I need to realise that scales go up and down depending on what you eat, but it's manageable and sticking to Lighterlife will sort it out until I'm in a place where I can use exercise and a balanced diet to manage my weight.

One thing I do feel the need to admit is that I'm writing this blog while sipping an illicit cup of tea that does indeed have milk in it. I'm done with the lack of tea to be honest. If my weight loss falls to 2 pounds a week consistently then I'll give it up again but for now I'm going to have the odd proper cup of tea. So there!

Sunday, 23 November 2014

Day 74- Lapse 2

So, the story continues from yesterday.

We woke up at 8am after going to bed at 5am due to one of our friend's adorable toddler who, after being safetly tucked away in bed for most of the night, was now ready to play with as many adults as posssible.

I have to say I felt thoroughly poisoned. Clearly copious amounts of gin is a bad idea. A Very Bad Idea. The boy felt equally rough even though he chucked up most of the red wine. Unsurprisingly we all felt somewhat delicate as we amused the toddler.

As our hosts were still asleep, we raided the fridge to find a suitable breakfast for the toddler and I suddenly realised something. There was absolutely no way I could stomach a food pack. I sipped water in an attempt to re-hydrate and had to admit I was going to be eating again. The boy and I discussed it, as eating this morning was most definitely not part of the plan and it's a slippery slope. I thought about it, as much as my hangover would allow, and knew I needed something solid to settle my stomach but there had to be a very strict line and once breakfast was done, there was to be nothing else.

By this point a lot of people were suffering, including our hosts, and more than one person chucked up. We are definitely growing old gracefully! I'd attempted a cup of tea but couldn't face it, and knew I was going to be sticking my head down the toilet at some point that morning so decided to down a lot of water to make it easier as chucking up gin and water is a lot easier than chucking up a sausage sandwich. However, the smell of the sausages cooking made me feel loads better and I was one of the only ones not to chuck up! Go me.

I was very careful about how I ate breakfast. The bread was French baguette and was cut into suitable portions so that took the portion decision away. I had three sausages. I probably only needed two to be fair, but I was proud of how I ate it. While the boy scoffed two sandwiches, I ate my one sandwich slowly and thoughtfully. After a couple of bites I felt better and was actually quite uninterested in the sandwich. Normally I'd scoff a couple of sandwiches before my tummy knew what hit it, but I took a long time with it. My brain registered that after a few bites I didn't really want any more but I knew my stomach needed some solid food so I ate the rest of the sandwich and paid attention to how unbothered I was, even though it tasted nice. I also had a cup of tea with some milk in it, and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. Tea remains my emotional crutch after all this time, and I did wonder why I've denied myself milky tea when a lot of others on Lighterlife don't and still lose weight.

The boy and I spent the rest of the day sat on our sofa cuddled up in pyjamas with the cat watching Disney films. I heated him up some of the chicken broth I'd made a couple of days ago and had a good sniff but was happy to watch him eat. Still feeling delicate, I couldn't face a food pack but I know I'll be back on it tomorrow.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Day 73- Lapse 1

The title of this post kind of gives it away really but stay tuned as this is not a case of fat girl loses three stone then eats her way back via McDonalds and Pizza Hut. (I promise).

My day started with a work shift beginning at 7am. Due to working a late last night, this ammounted to about six hours sleep so not the best start. However, I was feeling really excited about my friend's birthday party in the evening. Then it all kicked off at work and I got physically shoved. How I kept my temper I will never know. Needless to say, I was very angry and very stressed when the boy picked me up at 3pm.

Around this time I also got a phonecall from my friend's partner, who incidentally is my ex-partner. We're all very good friends though, despite the complications, and get on really well. They can be a bit scatty, just like me, so I wasn't totally suprised when he told me they'd changed the plans for the evening and instead of a buffet (which I was planning on ignoring) they were going to have a sit-down dinner. He then told me that they'd put a lot of thought into it and had a low-carb option all ready to do so I wouldn't need to worry about it. (They think I'm doing a low-carb diet because that's what I normally do and I haven't wanted to tell people I'm on Lighterlife).

Oh my god. The stress doubled and I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack there and then. The boy, being very sensible in a crisis, took me to buy shoes to go with my black and gold dress (see yesterday's blog). They did go perfectly, but I removed the gold satin laces and replaced them with black satin laces from another pair of Irregular Choice boots I own. (I own quite a few IC shoes now as they are stunning and my husband is very lovely)! The shoes did actually calm me down and then I sat and thought long and hard about what I was going to do.

I knew I couldn't cancel being there. She's a very good friend and would be devastated if I'd of cancelled at such short notice. I knew I couldn't arrive after the meal as they were having it quite late anyway. I wasn't prepared to have a food pack or nothing at all in front of seven of my friends- I've done it with the boy at a restaurant and it hasn't phased me, but I really couldn't cope with all of the questions from everyone. So I made the decision to break abstinence. I want to make something clear though, this was a really hard decision that I still feel somewhat guilty over. Being so close to achieving my 100 days is a bit gut-wrenching to be honest.

The thing that sealed the deal for me though was my reaction when I realised I was probably going to have to eat something. I completely panicked. I freaked out about coming off the diet and putting loads of weight back on and not being able to stop. The boy then very sensibly pointed out that I have enough food issues without giving myself another one. I never wanted to be one of those people who did abstinence religiously for a year- I needed the strict rules to start off with or I would of cheated and messed about, but I never wanted to panic over eating again.

With all that in mind, I made myself a plan. I'd already decided I was going to drink at the party. I'd ummed and ahhed about it, mostly because I didn't want alcohol to lower my inhibitions and for me to then attack the buffet table like a wild animal. We bought gin and soda water and lime cordial as this was the best drink I actually like. There's sugar in the lime cordial but compared to other drinks, it was probably the best option. My friend had given me the menu on the phone: French Onion soup with garlic croutons, Pork medallions with caramelised apples, carrots, leeks and potato rosti, and then another friend was bringing desert. My friend was going to leave out the croutons, apples and rosti from my plate and promised to do a small portion. I asked the boy for support so I didn't stuff my face and we agreed a few sips of soup, a little pork, carrots and leeks would probably not be the end of life as we know it, and I'd just have to ignore whatever desert it was. The plan was to crash at their house overnight so I ate a food pack before we left and took some with me for the following morning.

The party ended up being awesome. Dinner went as planned. I ignored the crudites on the table as an appetiser although the hummus and cucumber sticks were calling my name. I had about four sips of the onion soup which was tasty but not really my thing anyway, then subtly, with ninja-like skill, swapped my full bowl for the boy's empty bowl. The main course went well too. The pork medallions were tiny, so I ate one out of the three on the plate then palmed them off onto grateful friends. I have a couple of little roast carrots and leeks, and was done. Helpfully, my friend likes different foods to me so it ended up being quite easy to stick to my plan. He makes a mushroom risotto to die for and if he'd made that then the whole thing would have been quite different! It was weird eating food after 3 months of not. It did make the boy and I chuckle though to realise my first real food would be soup! I swear, after this diet, I'll never eat another soup again! The desert was tirimisu and I completely relaxed after this as I'm not much fussed about coffee flavoured things except actual coffee so was happy to watch everyone else indulge.

Everybody liked the dress, especially the cleavage (my friends aren't subtle). People commented on how good I looked which was really nice, and everyone appreciated the awesome shoes. One of my male friends looked me up and down and asked if I'd lost loads of weight, which was brilliant he even noticed! The boy was attentive all night as well and kept checking me out from across the room which made me smile!

One thing that felt a bit upsetting is my friend, whose birthday it was, wasn't happy with how she looked. I spotted it a mile away. Some of my friends are big like me and others are nymph-like but we all like to look good and I could tell she'd made an effort but wasn't happy. She looked lovely in fact. Part of me wanted to take her aside and talk about what I'm doing to encourage her, but I know people have to reach their crisis point in their own time before they are ready to do something about their weight and I'll be around to support her if or when she's ready. She looked brilliant anyway, I just wished she was happy.

It ended up being quite a heavy night of drinking, which is unusual for my friends at a house party. We all happily got trashed. They blamed the gin but they'd been drinking cocktails as well, which I'd avoided, and the boy was on red wine. Unusually for him, he'd had a bottle and a half of red wine before I'd even noticed and promptly spent time chucking it all up in the bathroom. Silly boy! We didn't go to bed until 5am which felt very naughty indeed.

Friday, 21 November 2014

Day 72- Stress

Today has been very stressful work wise. It's all kicking off and frankly the abuse is starting to grate. Maybe it's time to look for another job. Maybe I don't need to do a job where being verbally abused is part of it on a regular basis.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Day 71- Tenth Weigh-In

Another ketosis high hit hard and fast today and oh my was it fun. I completely realise that it's probably down to only having one food pack yesterday and I really should be kinder to my poor body at the moment but it couldn't be helped.

So I got up this morning refreshed after all the extra sleep and put another of my new pair of jeans on. I have to admit, Primark do decent jeans. They are only thin but they look nice enough and they are a hell of a lot cheaper than the jeans from Evans which is where I normally get my jeans. On the spur of the moment I decided to try the Ed Sheeran t-shirt I bought last month at the concert which I stressed about for days because I'd decided to buy a "small" as an incentive and then didn't think it would ever fit.

Oh My God. It fits.

I cannot begin to explain the joy. If you've never lost a lot of weight you won't possibly understand. I'm currently weighing in on my scales at 14 stone 9 pounds which is new territory for me and so exciting. I'm also loving my shape as it emerges and it's retaining a lovely hourglass figure for which I am very grateful... and so is the mister ;-)

Obviously the t-shirt is tight fitting and will look even better in a couple of weeks but it fits and is wearable. It's so exciting! The ketosis high and utter joy then prompted me to make the mister his sausage sandwich for breakfast while I had my porridge food pack and then I made him a packed lunch with yesterday's roast chicken. Then I put the chicken carcass and fresh sage and rosemary into a pot of water to boil for a few hours which makes an amazing chicken broth.

After that I danced around the house feeling awesome and curvy and amazing. It's the time of the month in my cycle where I generally do feel good about myself and attractive anyway, so it's hitting hard and I'm actually becoming quite vain!

I wore the T-shirt to show the group as they'd all heard the moan about how stressed I got when I bought it. Then the weigh in...

Oh yeah! 3 stone lost!

I've lost another five pounds making my total 3 stone in 10 weeks. I can live with that. Seriously, what other diet can make that claim and still leave you feeling pretty good at the end of the day (and not smelling like cabbage)?

To celebrate, the boy purchased my third Pandora dangly topaz charm. There's now three of them sitting on my bracelet looking very pretty indeed. We also went shopping for a dress as my friend's birthday party is this Saturday and it will be a group of our close friends, most of whom haven't seen me for a couple of months due to work and will hopefully be suitably shocked at my weight loss. I did get a dress when I went to Primark on Monday but having got it home I'm not sure.

I found a dress but the whole thing was somewhat surreal. A dress in the Topshop window caught my eye as it was gold and black, with decent cleavage exposure and a short hemline. Now, I know the old advice about either showing your legs or your cleavage but not both or you risk just looking slutty, however, this does not apply to me. I have a great rack and due to being five foot two, dresses only really look good on me when they fall above my knee. I do wear tights or leggings to preserve my modesty though.

Anyway, having not been in Topshop for a number of years, I was a bit hesitant about clothing sizes and had visions of open changing rooms where nymph-like teenagers prance about half naked complaining about how fat they are making you either want to smack them one or feed them a cheeseburger. I was a bit gutted that the largest size they seem to do is a size 16 but I grabbed it and headed into a (private) changing room. It fit. Well, no, I got it on, it didn't actually fit. It was miles too big. I stood there in shock for a bit as I know my size is roughly 18 at the moment. With a certain smugness I asked for a 14 but they didn't have one. Bollocks to this, thought I, as the dress looked pretty great aside from the baggy chest area. So I got a size 12 thinking that if I could actually get the damn thing on it might be worth buying for Christmas. One of the lovely things about Lighterlife is that I know I'll have lost another stone by Christmas.

I kid you not, I ended up stood in the damn cubicle in a size 8. I swear. All 14 stone 12 of me. Now, clearly I am not a size 8 and frankly I can't imagine being one. The dress obviously has tardis like properties. The cut of it is interesting and sits differently than on the picture. I had to buy a low cut see through bra to wear underneath it and tights. I bought the size 10 in the end as it seemed to sit better on me. I actually own a size 10 dress. So weird.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Day 70- Exhausted

Yesterday was a total nightmare involving me staying up all night at work. I have to admit, when someone made a cheese toastie at 2am I nearly cracked.

Today has mostly been about sleeping. I also made a roast chicken dinner, and the fresh herbs on the chicken smelled so good. And oh my the gravy! Watching the boy eat it was practically torture. Even the cat drooled over the chicken.

I've only managed one food pack today because my routine is all over the place. So much for going to the gym after work!

Also, my wedding rings no longer fit. I've had to put them on my Pandora bracelet to keep them safe as they flew off my hand when I shook it earlier.

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Day 69- Chubby

I had the strangest feeling looking in the mirror today. Wearing my new clothes I bought yesterday, I looked chubby. Very chubby, but not fat. It just sort of struck me. I've lost a lot of weight around my tummy area and it's really starting to show.

I also got more compliments today which was really nice. It helped to ease the pain from all the weight lifting yesterday!

Monday, 17 November 2014

Day 68- Shopping

I hit the gym today with my personal trainer who was bordering on abusive with his enthusiasm for weight lifting today. I did tell him how much I hated him but it appeared to have little effect.

I spent most of the rest of the day shopping. My clothing situation is getting a little desperate now so a trip to Primark has given me some extra cheap clothes. The boy was suitably complimentary :-)

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Day 67- House

I can't believe how time flies, and the time is just ticking away at the moment. 67 days of abstinence!

I was in work this morning then had friends over to look at the new house in the evening. We've bought tester pots of paint and I'm trying to convince the boy on my choice of colours.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Day 66- Life

Life interfered with my grand plans for another run and I ended up driving the boy to work instead.

Work was work and mildly frustrating.

Friday, 14 November 2014

Day 65- The New Routine Begins

I felt a bit cheated this morning. I did not wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed after 8 hours sleep. I actually struggled to get to sleep so although I've been in bed for 8 hours, I've had maybe 7 hours sleep. Oh well.

I still got up at 8am to make the boy breakfast and his packed lunch. Then I looked outside. To say it's a bit wet is an understatement. But it's winter after all and it's only going to get worse, and with that cheery thought in mind, I got ready for my run. It had occurred to me last night that I didn't have anything suitable to wear. My jogging bottoms have all been chucked because they are too big for me. At the gym I wear those cheap black stretchy leggings you can get from Primark for £3 because they are quite comfy, I've got loads of them, and they are good for anything I do in the gym. They aren't very warm though so I put two pairs on as well as a vest top, a long sleeved top and a hoody. I added a scarf for good measure as well.

I went for my run!!! At 8.30am while it was still not properly light and raining a lot!

I'm not going to say it was pleasant, because it wasn't. Jogging in the park is very different from using a treadmill. Firstly, there are hills. Well, not so much hills as gentle inclines, but still. Secondly there is no water available for when your lungs start to burn due to lack of fitness unless you want to carry a bottle with you, which I don't. Thirdly it's cold and wet and you have to be careful not to fall on your ass from the slippery foot paths. But I did it, and that is the important thing. Although the time it took me and the pace was a bit pathetic, it's a starting point and that's what I love about running. You can improve quite quickly and the progress is very motivating.

I've got work until 11pm tonight so bedtime will be at 12 so I can get up at 8am again tomorrow for another run. That's going to be hard because I usually like to wind down for a couple of hours before bed. I might try having a quick bath to wind down if there's time. I also need to do laundry as another barrier to all of these ambitious goals is not having the right clothes clean when I need them.

Also, I am now obese and not morbidly obese. My BMI is now 38 which is good I guess. I'm not a big fan of the BMI chart as it puts my healthy weight ridiculously low for someone who is five foot two and naturally curvy. But it's good to see the numbers go down.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Day 64- 9th Weigh In

OK so I rearranged the personal training session for Monday. I admit this is a bit crap but I really wasn't in the mood today, and it's time of the month. Instead, me and the boy slept in (we both work shifts) but I got up in a funny mood. Maybe because I felt bad about rearranging the gym, I'm not sure. It was probably because I was really cold. We're still getting used to the new house which is old and big, and you have to remember to close doors and manage the heating system. Being on lighterlife makes me feel cold in general anyway, and my temperature always goes up and down around my period.

I was also a bit narked about the scales this morning. For the last couple of days they have been showing 15 stone 1 and a little bit. The little bit is going down, which is good, but I'm so close to seeing the 14 stone mark it's killing me.

The Lighterlife group was good today. My official weigh in is 15 stone 3 pounds giving me a loss of 5 pounds this week which I was more than happy with. There was someone new at the meeting today who is considering starting and it was lovely to have the counsellor use me as an example of someone who is doing the diet successfully. Most of the others in the group, which is small, are either maintaining weight loss or only have a stone or two to lose. The new person is similar to me in that we have quite a lot to lose and I hope it was encouraging for her to see that I've lost nearly 3 stone. I'm nearly a third of the way there!

We started a new counselling module today as well. It's called Time. In the session we looked at how we prioritise our time. This is something I've been working on anyway. I've been getting up with the boy early to make him his breakfast and packed lunch because I really enjoy that and it's time better spent that laying in bed. For me, a magic wand that made me slim would be useless as I'd just eat my way back up to this size. I need to do the counselling and learn how to live differently so I have a chance of keeping it off. The people who turn up to the group to buy their food packs and get weighed, but then leave, make me laugh to be honest. Why pay so much for it if you're not going to do it properly? You may as well buy the food packs from Superdrug and save yourself a bit of money.

At the beginning of each new booklet we set a goal for the module. Mine is pretty ambitious I must admit. It's time to start making some real changes though and stop messing about. My brain seems to think I'm actually a very active healthy kind of person (stupid brain) and always guides me towards home cooked healthy food and different kinds of exercise that it insists I can do. For a fat girl I can actually do a lot of different exercise. I have a Virgin gym membership which has an awesome gym, free exercise classes including yoga and pilates, a rock climbing wall (I think Virgin only have 2 in the entire country), a swimming pool and a spa pool. Add in the personal trainer to do boxing and resistance training. There's also jogging which I enjoy either in the gym or in the park. One of my goals is to get to the 13 stone mark where I'll be light enough to start thinking about taking up horse riding again and skiing at the Chill Factor in Manchester. Both of these activities I have enjoyed in the past but my weight prevented me from being able to do (and my pride took quite a beating from it). I'd also really like to be able to do 5km runs.

I told you my brain was stupid. (Actually I think it's quite clever). There's so much I want to be able to do and I constantly tell myself I'm too lazy to do it. This was challenged in last week's session when the group prompted me to examine this. I'm not lazy, I'm tired. I'm an 8 hours of sleep a night kind of person and always have been but frequently stay up late, and either lay in bed all morning catching up on missed sleep or have 6 or less and end up tired and grumpy. This clearly has to stop.

So my goal for this module is to go to the gym 3 times a week and run 3 times a week. No messing about, no phasing in or building up, just get it done. I already go to the gym once a week for my training session and I know if I'm organised I can fit another 2 times in. The running is about getting my ass into gear in the mornings. We've moved opposite our local park which is perfect for me to run in as it's a small circular route of about 1 mile. Currently I walk and jog it slowly but 3 times a week is enough to make it a regular habit and I know my fitness will improve over time.

With all of these grand plans in mind, I got out my diary. My shifts are all over the place because of the work I do, including times when I sleep at work and can only get 6 hours sleep at best. Working time regulations don't seem to matter to Sheffield City Council! One of the things that might prevent me from achieving my goal for this module is my dreadful sleep pattern so I've sat down and worked out which nights I need to go to bed at 10pm or can stay up until 12, and which mornings I need to be up at 6am or 8am. If I stick to the bedtimes then I'm much more likely to be able to achieve my activity goals.

Next I planned when I can do the different activities around my work schedule. I'm going to run tomorrow and Saturday to finish off this week, then next week my runs will be Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. I'll have personal training sessions on Monday and Thursday next week so that's 2 trips to the gym already sorted. I've booked a Yoga class on the Thursday too. My third gym session will be on Wednesday and I'm going to take my rock shoes and have a bit of a climb then go swimming. This all might sound like an awful lot of exercise but bear in mind that my runs are very gentle jog/walks and when I say rock climbing, we're talking about 15 minutes of exercise at my current fitness rate. It's good to do different types of exercise as it rounds out your toning and fitness so I'm very pleased with the plan I've made.

So there we go. And, as it is now 12, it is bedtime because I have to be up at 8am!

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Day 63- Suffering

I did a very very stupid thing today. I made homemade spaghetti Bolognese.

Now, I made a pretty decent one anyway, but for some reason I decided I was going to start using fresh herbs to make it. Well, the house absolutely reeked of it. It smelled amazing. I thought I may have got the mix of herbs wrong as I was unable to taste test it. When the boy got home, he dipped a spoon in for me, and then proceeded to gobble three spoons of the stuff before he would admit it was perfect. The house smells wonderful and edible, and I want some!

Something to remember though, I gave the boy what looked like a decent size portion (and I would of totally eaten all of it), and he could only eat half, and was stuffed. I need to remember this. For me, a portion would probably be about a quarter of what I gave him.

I've been struggling over the past couple of days to not just have a sneaky bite of something and not tell anyone. So far I've managed to stop myself. Mostly because I'd never lie to the boy and would end up confessing. Then I'd have to write it here and tell the group at my Lighterlife session. My pride just gets in the way.

The scales are still going down about a pound a day. My home scales are currently showing 15 stone 1 which I'm so pleased with as I reckon I've lost about 6 pounds this week. Time will tell though as it is class tomorrow.

And as for the gym, I have my personal trainer tomorrow morning so that's me definitely going!

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Day 62- And Again!

To make up for not going to the gym yesterday, I packed my gym bag to take to work so that I could toddle off after our staff meeting. Well, of course life had other plans for me today!

I got up super early again to make the boy breakfast, his packed lunch and to make some frosting for the cupcakes I randomly decided to make last night. As I gave him a lift to work he munched his sausage sandwich and tried a cupcake which met with satisfaction. I must say he is a real pleasure to feed! He gets this glow of satisfaction! I've warned him I could possibly turn into a feeder but I don't think he minds as long as he's got cake to eat!

Work ended up being a bit of a nightmare today. I walked into utter chaos and ended up spending half my day at the Children's Hospital. I managed to eat a porridge food pack for breakfast around 9am then didn't get back to work until 2.30pm when I finally got my second food pack. By the time work had finished I was shattered and really couldn't be bothered with the gym.

I made the boy homemade KFC again for tea which was much appreciated. Maybe because he said it was utterly perfect or maybe it was because I'd had a hard day, but I really struggled not to have some. I mean, REALLY struggled. Even the boy took pity on me but, obviously sensing how close he was to losing his chicken, then reminded me how well I'd been doing and how proud of me he was. I sulked for a little bit, because I'm such a grown up, and then got on with it.

So, another day of abstinence.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Day 61- Best Laid Plans

My scales are showing 15 stone 2 pounds and I can't tell you how excited that makes me feel. I'm so unbelievably close to 14 stone something I can almost taste it (or not as the case may be!). I spent some time today thinking about how being 14 stone something will feel. I genuinely cannot remember being that weight. I know I've monitored my weight since being a young teenager but the numbers are a bit blurry. I know almost 100% that I haven't been 14 stone something since being an adult and attempting to tackle my weight seriously.

My plan for today was get up at 7am to make the boy a cooked breakfast and see him off to work (dutiful wife that I am) then get myself sorted for a meeting at work at 12, then head over to the gym afterwards. I heroically got up at 7am despite having a really bad night's sleep for no apparent reason. The boy commented on my blurry red eyes over his breakfast. So I went back to bed for a couple of hours. Then I got a text from work saying the meeting had been cancelled. Well, that scuppered my saintly plan for the gym!

I got up at 10.30am and promptly messed up my breakfast of pea and ham soup by pouring too much black pepper in it by accident. I struggled with it then gave up. I did consider making another as I do have a few spare food packs, but weirdly at the moment the soup is really filling me up and I didn't think I needed any more. When I say filling, I mean, I have a bowl of soup and sit there uncomfortable for the next 30 minutes similar to if you'd just overeaten a roast dinner (mmm, roast dinner). Maybe it's because I'm working hard to fill up on the water at the moment.

I'm definitely more focused on the plan at the moment. Losing roughly a pound a day and being so close to new territory is highly motivating.

I spent some time today going through my wardrobe again. It gets easier to chuck things as time goes on. Today I got rid of some long sleeved tops that don't suit me and are so old (and look it). Don't ask me why I've been holding onto them. It's cold and I'm still refusing to wear them, so out they went. I also got rid of a couple of jumpers that are never going to look good.

I'm desperately holding onto a Christmas jumper I got last year which is too big on me and is bordering on looking silly. Last year when I'd lost a couple of stone on Atkins I was deliriously happy to buy this jumper from ASDA. It fit perfectly and really suited me, and I'd never had a Christmassy jumper before. You probably have elves or reindeers in your head but it's got a very tasteful snowflake design. I love it. There's no way I'm going to be able to wear it this year which is very sad.

I also tried on some dresses I bought last year before Christmas happened and the diet was abandoned. They now fit quite well and are pretty. I'm more of a jeans and vest top kind of girl but I do love dresses. I'm determined to have a wardrobe full of them when I'm happy with my size.

I've been making Christmas plans today too. I've been thinking long and hard about Christmas ever since I started this plan. I'm aware that my 100 days will be finished on 19 December. I committed to abstaining from food for 100 days and I'm sticking to that. I need to know I can commit and carry it out, and with no lapses or cheating, I'm pleased as punch with myself so far. However, I need a plan for what happens after that. I know I will weigh roughly 13 stone 12 pounds by then. That still leaves roughly 4 stone, maybe more, to lose. I honestly have no idea what my goal weight will be. I'm only five foot two in height but I'm curvy and would like to keep my hourglass figure. I've no desire to be skinny. (OK well maybe I do just to see what it looks like, but I know it's not realistic).

The plan I have in my mind is something I've been mulling over for a while but I've still not decided on it. The boy's family are coming to stay with us over Christmas. We've not finalised who is coming when or for how long but some of them may come for the week, others for a couple of days or less. This is a big deal as the boy has never been in a position to invite his family for Christmas, and I will be the one cooking for the week including Christmas dinner for six and a half people (the half is for the 2 year old niece). I'm very excited to show off my cooking skills!

So, my plan at the moment is that I'm going to have completed what I said I was going to do. I know that I'm going to need another 100 days or so of abstinence (I think they call it development when you've completed foundation), but I don't want to do it so strictly for another 100 days. I want to be able to have the odd planned lapse for important occasions or celebrations and have those times as learning experiences to see if I can manage myself in the real world. If I can't and it's impeding on the weight loss then I intend to be firm with myself and have no lapses.

Christmas is not a time when I want to be abstinent. Not when all of the boy's family is here and I'd doing all of the cooking. I hate to think of Christmas as my "reward" because food shouldn't be a reward. My current plan is to go back on Lighterlife properly on the 28th December because that's when we will have a weigh-in and group meeting, and I can assess the damage done over the Christmas period, which will be just over a week. Between 19-28 December, my plan is to have as many food packs as possible but also have meals with the family, probably the odd breakfast but mostly the main meals. I'll still be working over Christmas which helps as I'll have my food packs at work and avoid the work chocolates. But Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day I'm not having food packs. I am, however, going to be careful and try to manage what I'm eating. I don't intend to use it as an opportunity to make myself violently ill by seeing how many mince pies I can cram into my tummy in a 3 day period.

I've yet to discuss my plan with the counsellor, I don't know if she will approve or not. I know I don't want to not eat over Christmas and I know I want the opportunity to try and manage my calorie intake armed with the counselling tools I've learned. If I can't, at least the falling off the wagon will be limited.

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Day 60- Significant Moments

It's day 60!!!

My, that's gone fast. I'm so proud of myself and the weight is dropping off at the moment, about a pound a day for the last few days. Another thing is that the food packs are really filling me up at the moment. I'm mostly on the soups and feeling absolutely stuffed afterwards. Some days I'm only having 3 food packs because I really can't manage more. I think my stomach has shrunk.

I'm also noticeably smaller. My hips and tummy are smaller! Hurrah!

The really special thing about today is that my scales are showing me at 15 stone 3 pounds which is the lightest I can remember being as an adult. This is very significant for me and signals the two and a half stone loss mark, again, something I can't ever remember. Obviously my immediate thought was "Wow, that's brilliant, I should celebrate this. Let's buy some cheese." Clearly there's a long way to go yet mentally and physically!

I've pottered about the new house today getting things in their new proper places. I also made curry for the boy which smelled amazing, and I don't normally like his curries. A little bit of cream in it and I would have scoffed it!

One thing that was interesting today was I got really stressed about something (I won't bore you with the details) and got very panicked. I had to take myself away and calm myself down. It made me think about coping strategies for stress and how I would normally have felt anxious for the rest of the day, resulting in a night in front of the TV eating takeaway until I felt sick. Instead, I used some of the counselling we've been looking at recently which is about how to manage worries. I spend a lot of my time feeling anxious about stuff- mostly about things that I really don't need to feel anxious about. This time I managed it by thinking the issue through carefully, remaining positive and doing everything I can to sort it out. I still feel anxious about it, because it's not something that is completely in my control, so I then used distraction techniques like putting music on and sorting out the stuff in the kitchen. It made me feel loads better than a takeaway. This is the kind of thing that I'm going to need in the future so I don't turn to food.

I think I need something in my head every time I go to eat something asking me "why are you eating this?" because the only right answer is "because I'm hungry and this is the right food/right portion for me". Anything else and I need to manage it in a different way. Also, it would be nice to work on the anxieties I carry around with me over stupid things. We did look at that in a previous counselling session so maybe I need to revisit it.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Day 59- Thinking about the future

We went looking in Boundary Mill today and spent ages looking at different cookware and bakeware. I'm really enjoying cooking for the boy at the moment and can't wait to try all of these things when I'm finally back eating regular food. I'm starting to take notice of what goes into my cooking and trying to figure out what a healthy me-sized portion would be.

I can't believe it's nearly 60 days on plan! I'm still sniffing food and fantasising about cheese but overall it's gone pretty well with only the odd moment being really hard. I just hope all the counselling kicks in when I am back in the real world of food again.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Day 58- Quickie

Just a quick one today. Feeling positive after yesterday and definitely a bit slimmer!

I'm kind of running out of things to wear which is frustrating yet satisfying at the same time! I'm going to have to think carefully about what to buy next as I won't be wearing it for long.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Day 57- 8th Weigh In

It's a good day. The scales are showing another drop so I was very excited for my weigh in.

I woke up very sleepy and not much in the mood for my personal trainer but by the time I hit the gym, a ketosis high was in full blast and I put it to good use. As part of resistance training to improve my muscle tone and hopefully avoid baggy saggy skin after weight loss, we've been doing boxing training. I adore it but it takes it out of you! Not today though, I smirked to myself when the trainer had to take a step back when I hit his hand pads harder and faster than he was expecting! He ended up giving me lots of sets to do to wear me out! You have to love the elusive ketosis high. Even on my rest periods I was bouncing. The hour was over far too quickly and I could of carried on to be honest.

I'd had to have a Lighterlife bar for breakfast as we were running late and I needed to drive the boy to work. So I decided to ask the café in the gym for some hot water and a bowl to make my soup food pack. I've managed to get to day 57 without having a food pack in public aside from at work. I pay an awful lot for a Virgin gym though so I thought, what the hell. The assistants behind the counter were very confused. I've found though that being polite but expecting people to do what they are told to, really works a lot of the time. There's a lot to be said for fronting things out.

I had my soup which I gobbled down due to hunger. Next time I'll savour it a bit more as it's a rare thing that I get to experience eating in a café or restaurant these days.

My 8th weigh in showed another 3 pound loss which will do me nicely. I'll stop complaining about the previous half pound loss now! I didn't buy any bars. I've got one or two left for emergencies but I'm going to try and live off the soups, which I'm really into now it's gotten cold and wintery, and the spaghetti Bolognese which has always been a favourite.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Day 56- About Time

The scales are moving again!!!

A pound has decided to leave the room!!!

About bloody time and all.

I've sent my next week's food pack order to my counsellor and next week won't be having bars aside from when I really need them. I'm sure it has something to do with the lack of weight loss.

I've been having a think. Last year I lost 2 stone with Atkins and previous diets have also failed around this time. Clearly I have a natural inbuilt barrier to weight loss where my body goes "Oh no you don't, we've worked really hard to save all of this fat for when the world ends and all of the supermarkets close" and refuses to allow any more loss. Obviously, this won't last forever, and the scales are moving again but there's an interesting part of the weight loss journey about to come up.

I don't remember being lower than 15 stone 4 pounds ever. I've been hovering around 17 stone for a good few years. I remember joining WeightWatchers in 2008 and weighing around 16 stone ish. I don't remember my weight before then. To be fair, I was 24 in 2008 and hadn't been an adult for very long.

So, although the current weight at Lighterlife is 15 stone 11 pounds, my scales at home are now saying 15 stone 6 pounds. There's a 2 pound difference between the scales because I weigh myself in the morning whilst wearing pyjamas and Lighterlife weighs me in the evening fully dressed. So I should be 15 stone 8 pounds on the Lighterlife scales. The point is, my scales are getting dangerously close to being below 15 stone 4 pounds. There's a huge psychological shift to be made once that happens. I'm not going to be giving up or allowing myself to sabotage what I want to achieve. So soon enough, probably in the next 2 weeks, the scales will be in the top range of 14 stone. It's quite a scary thought to be honest.

Because I was in such a positive mood due to the scales moving again, I decided to cook. The boy has a bit of a thing for KFC and in my bid to prevent him from getting fat, and to prepare us both for when I can eat food again, I decided to make homemade KFC. I've been meaning to try doing this for a while as he loves it so, and although fried food isn't at all healthy, it's got to be better than KFC.

It all turned out perfectly and I was very impressed with myself. I fried fillets of chicken covered in spices, herbs, flour and egg. I also made popcorn chicken the same way, and I even had a go at making fried chips. It was pretty close to perfect, a little less spicy for the boy next time, but the best thing about it was that he reckoned it was much better than KFC and he's rather have the homemade version any day. Success! I can now do McDonalds and KFC replicas.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Day 55- Meltdown

Well it had to happen sooner or later. I had a mega strop with myself over my diet and recent lack of weight loss. The boy and I had a big argument about data protection versus Facebook refusing police access in cases of suspected grooming. He's very passionate about data protection and I'm very passionate about child protection. So to demonstrate this, we yelled at each other for an hour and then he went to the old house to clean the over and I threw myself on the bedroom floor to torment the cat and have a sulk.

It wasn't a serious argument, just one of the very loud and heated ones we have rarely. But I do find them very stressful and afterwards, after we'd just agreed to disagree, we spoke about the impact it had on me in terms of my diet.

My internal monologue went something like this:

"He's a (bleep). I can't believe he disagrees with me. I want one of those ham sandwiches he had yesterday because it smelled really good. Oh I can't. Well that's stupid. I could have one now and he'd not know. But then I would have failed to complete the 100 days of abstinence. Well that's a stupid rule anyway and you don't really mind if you break it to have a ham sandwich. Would I tell the Lighterlife group? No, of course not. Well actually I would and then I'd feel pretty crap. What about a McDonalds instead? The boy has taken the car. OK well I could order something for delivery. None of that stuff tastes very nice. The cheese on a pizza is good. No, I can't do that. I could have the ham sandwich though. No, I won't. I'll tidy the dining room instead. If I go downstairs I'll eat a ham sandwich. I'm exhausted. I need a nap."

Seriously. Is this normal? I'm not so sure. In the end, I put myself to bed and had a 2 hour nap. Then I got up, had a food pack and then sorted it out with the boy.

I suppose this may be some sort of progress. I wish my brain didn't automatically want to comfort itself with food though. That's so unhelpful.

It did make me think though- in line with this week's counselling homework. A couple of years ago I was stroppy and a bit of a spoilt brat and would go to great lengths to get my own way. Sound delightful, don't I? The thing was, I was very popular and partners were attracted to me because of how strong and stubborn I was. Then I fell in love with the boy and he's not my usual type at all. Although he liked my fiery nature, I was very concerned about our relationship ending due to my temper and began working really hard on my personal development. I created internal monologues, similar to the one above, but ones designed to talk myself out of losing my temper or ignoring him for a week when he's upset me. It was very productive and I'm stubborn enough that when I really put my mind to something, I generally get what I want. In the end, I even married him because I knew divorce wasn't an easy option and marriage would create a firmer barrier to prevent me ever having to lose him. I'm not going to go all mushy on you about how he's the love of my life (he is), I think this is a clear example of me being able to change something massive about myself. If I can change that, I can change my attitudes to food too- right?

Monday, 3 November 2014

Day 54- Sniffing Food Again

I'm feeling more positive today. Sod the bloody scales.

I decided to try out the new kitchen which contains a very impressive looking range cooker. I thought I'd start with something simple so made homemade burgers for the boy who was suitable appreciative. Sitting next to him on the sofa while he munched was hard though, much harder than it normally it. The burgers looked so tasty and smelled damn good, even if I do say so myself. I'm a good cook when I put my mind to it, and I'm really looking forward to tasting all this stuff myself at a later date. I contented myself with sniffing the burger, feeling shocked that he wouldn't add cheese as a burger without cheese is just wrong, and noting that I would only need one burger for a meal and maybe a corn on the cob whereas the boy will happily scoff two burgers and add chips.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Day 53- Scales Must Be Broken

Stupid scales. Clearly they are broken and need to be replaced by far more intelligent scales that will obediently tell me my weight is going down.

I know I've got muscle weight because new leg muscles have appeared, which is very pleasing, but my jeans are as snug as ever so I know my body fat isn't going down. The boy assures me I look slimmer but it's not good enough dammit.

Sat through Sunday lunch again at work. It wasn't too much trouble until they decided to make broccoli and cauliflower cheese and my god the smell. If there ever was a trigger smell it's cheese. I can resist tasty tasty bacon, but melted cheese! I had to take myself away.

Saturday, 1 November 2014

Day 52- November!

I can't believe it's November. My new house is beautiful and the cat has decided to give the official seal of approval by rubbing her face everywhere so we all know she's agreed to live here. Obviously the house now belongs to her and I'm just the minion that does the cleaning. Er, well I would if I knew where the cleaning stuff was packed!

I remain unimpressed with the lack of weight loss and am suspiciously checking the scale every morning and it's not escaped my knowledge that the numbers are not moving. At all. Seriously, what the hell.

I'm starting to wonder whether it's my fault. I don't drink enough water and I sometimes rely on the bars far too much even though I know they make me hungry and are higher in carbs. I keep winding myself up with thoughts of Slimming World or WeightWatchers, or thoughts of eating food for a couple of days and then going back to the food packs to kick start my weight loss again. Even I know these thoughts are a diversionary tactic.