Day 51- Shock to the System

Today hit me quite hard as I've been off work on annual leave and suddenly had to get up today at 6am to be in for 7am. When I woke up I honestly thought my knees had vacated the building. My knees have always been a little bit weak (can't blame the poor things given the amount of weight I've forced them to carry around) and yesterday's hard work during the move had really taken it's toll.

I'm still sulking about the 1/2 pound loss. Just thought I'd let you know.

Day 50- 7th Weigh In

Today has been pretty awful really, upon reflection.

My personal trainer is on holiday today but seeing as how we were moving house that was kind of a bonus. I finally accepted that we have far more stuff than I ever thought possible to cram into a small 3 bedroom house. Moving was pretty epic and involved lots and lots of heavy carrying up and down stairs. I'm more tired than after a personal training session.

To cap it all off, I went to my Lighterlife group and have only lost 1/2 a pound. What the hell. Nursing my bitterness, I have tried to remind myself that I know this happens sometimes, that actually I've lost 29 pounds in 7 weeks and that normally when I reach a 2 stone loss mark I fall off the wagon because I tend to hit a plateau. I was not a happy bunny though and pretty much sulked for the entire group.

On the plus side, this is the 50 day mark and I don't think I've ever been so proud of myself. I've not cheated or slipped once.

Day 49- 6 Bin Bags

In preparing for the epic move, I have been merciless with my clothes. Anything that hasn't been worn this year because it's vile, anything that has seen better days and anything that doesn't fit me anymore by miles has ended up in the recycle bin bag. 6 bin bags later, I have come to the conclusion that this is a little ridiculous. And I'm not even finished.

I love that I'm packing clothes that I like to wear but know as long as I stick to my plan, they will all end up being recycled. That's a lovely thought.

Day 48- Ed Sheeran Concert

We went to see Ed Sheeran at Manchester Arena tonight. He was fantastic and we had a blast. We'd bought VIP tickets to get better seats and as part of that got to sit in The View bar/restaurant. We were given free champagne and as I couldn't have it, I decided to "treat" myself with a couple of diet cokes. This is the first time I've ever really done anything like this in the past 48 days but I don't count it as breaking abstinence because although Lighterlife say citric acid can affect ketosis, there's really no evidence to suggest that, and you'd need a lot more than 2 diet cokes. I've never drunk much fizzy pop aside from when not drinking alcohol and out with friends so I didn't see the harm. The funny thing was, I downed 2 cokes as I was thirsty but they didn't quench my thirst and after 6 weeks of drinking water, the difference was really noticeable. The other thing was the bloating. It happened pretty much instantly and left me feeling quite uncomfortable. Some treat that was! Serves me right I suppose but it's a good reminder to stay away from the stuff even when it is allowed.

I bought a concert t-shirt in a size small while I was there. I can't even get it on over my shoulders at the minute and I keep feeling anxious that I should of got a medium as I'll never fit into a t-shirt that small. It's a scary thought to be honest. I know, given my 5 foot 2 frame, that a small should be a perfect fit, but it seems like a really long way away. If I'm being honest, it seems like being a completely different person and that's quite hard psychologically to get my head around.

Aside from the diet coke, I managed the trip to Manchester by using Lighterlife bars and didn't mind so much when my husband had mini burgers at The View. I took the opportunity to peruse the menu and decide which would be the best choices to make were I actually eating. This turned out to be a fun game!

I felt slimmer today. It was an odd feeling. After the bloat of the fizzy pop had died down, my jeans felt snug again and my t-shirt a perfect fit. I felt really good. I'd cut my hair before the concert in a fit of frustration at how long it has gotten, and just blunt cut it to below my shoulders. A good 4 inches or so got cut off and I was much happier, even if I did mess up the layers I tried to put in at the front. They're OK at the moment but will probably need a professional to tidy them up. I felt positive and in charge though, and that's a good feeling.

Day 47- Business as Usual

My week off work finished today and getting up at 6am was a bit of a shock. I diligently took my food packs with me to work and my water, and as usual, I didn't actually eat until I got home at 5pm. Oh well. I keep meaning to do better with spacing my packs out and drinking all my water but it never seems to happen like that.

Day 46- Still Packing

It's been a nice day, spending time with my husband and getting things sorted for moving. Not much else to report other than my scales refusing to budge. This is supposed to be the week where I drop 4 or 5 pounds as I had my small loss week last week. Hmmm.

Day 45- Packing

Today has mostly consisted of attempting to start the packing ready for the big move in a few days. Not much else to report other than it's now 45% of the way through!

Day 44- And here comes the pain

If you're a regular reader you will know that every Thursday I write about how much I love my personal training sessions, and every Friday I whinge about how much pain I am in. Oh my God. My chest feels like it's been hit with a hammer and my muscles have locked up. I can't lift anything because my arms refuse. My lower back and neck are also on strike.

On the plus side, my body is changing. I've previously lost about 2 stone before and gotten down to about 15 stone 4 pounds. At that weight I generally notice my body gets curvier and my thighs get thinner. I'm very lucky in that I have some pretty nice curves and I'm suspicious there's going to be a lovely hourglass figure under all the fat, if the curves that suddenly appear are anything to go by. I'm currently 15 stone 11 and I'm noticing those familiar changes but there's something else too. I have muscles! My upper arms are harder. This is very new, as when I've lost weight before, I've been to the gym but I've never done boxing and resistance training before. I spent a good few minutes poking them this morning, resulting in more pain, and am currently quite impressed.

I'm very interested in how sport and different activities change how your body looks. My main focus is on losing fat and toning areas so my body looks half decent and not saggy afterwards but I do like the idea that you can change the shape of your body. For example, yoga and pilates lengthen your muscles so you can appear leaner whereas tennis players have thick thighs from the power needed to dash around a court. No prizes for guessing which body type I'd prefer!

I had a chat with my personal trainer yesterday, which I forgot to mention, about running. He wanted me to do that awful thing where I have to run to the side of the gym, run back and punch the punch bag a number of times before repeating. I told him I wasn't going to run during our training sessions again. We were forced to run at school and I always hated it. I genuinely blame school for my dislike of exercise and sports. Now I'm older, I know that I do like jogging and would like to build my fitness so I can do more of it, but it needs to be done my own way and not because someone else is making me. I don't want being made to do it during training affecting my enjoyment of it on the treadmill, even if it is psychological and irrational. Obviously, my trainer was completely supportive of this, and I think I managed to exercise some demons at the same time.

Today has mostly been about reflection and relaxation. I am in the process of packing as we move next week, so I've been removing clothes from my wardrobes for recycling. I'm pleased to say I'm being quite harsh about it. Anything that is too big is gone. Anything that is too small that I won't ever wear is also gone. Go me!

Day 43- 6th Weigh In

I'm feeling very happy and pleased with myself. It's been a very good day.

I had my personal training session again this morning. I've accepted the fact that I feel like I'm dying for the entire hour every time but I do really enjoy it, especially the boxing. My trainer mixed it up a bit today and we did some weight training. Haha well, I tried! He took me to the weights section in the gym which I've never set foot in and told me we were going to try some weight-lifting as apparently it's great for fat burning. So I lay down on the bench and wait for him to put some weights on the bar. Then he tells me that we are just going to start with the bar without any weights on it. Easy peasy, I think. First problem hit when I extended my arms and tried to take the bar off the resting point. My arms are not long enough to extend farther than that so the resting point had to be lowered! Then I couldn't hold the weight of the bar. Turns out the bar weights 20kg all by itself. I was not happy at this point and felt really pathetic. With a lot of encouragement I did some lifting but I swear I really have no upper body strength. Because he's a little bit sadistic, my trainer then decided he wanted me to do standing up lifts, which I really struggled to do. My upper arms felt like jelly by the end.

We did some more boxing and I really need to start doing this in the week between sessions as it's so much fun. I've been a bit slack on the gym front for the past couple of weeks and only been going once a week. I'm determined to get some time in at the weekend though. My trainer is off on his holidays next week so I'm trainer-less for the week. I'm moving next Thursday anyway so it's good timing really. I'm going to have to be organised and plan when I'm going to the gym to keep it up on my own, and then he's back the week after.

Armed with a black coffee I did my Lighterlife homework which we'd been told not to do as the counsellor wanted to do it in the session. I find it really helpful to come up with things on my own and then have a different take on it in class though. This week is all about mastery. I've achieved a few things in my life that I'm proud of. I work really hard at my relationship and am pleased to report I have a very happy marriage, and I'm much less of a bitch than I used to be. I'm much more in control of my emotions and I've worked hard at that in the past few years.

I'm really happy with how I'm doing at Lighterlife. I genuinely have abstained from food for 43 days, I'm going to the gym, I'm eating my food packs and working on my personal development, I attend the meetings and don't just pick up my packs and go. I'm making an effort with my hair and make-up, wearing nice clothes and accessories, and using beauty products.

In the group we looked at what tools you need to achieve your goals and gain mastery over different areas of your life. It's actually made me think about my career and although I love my job, I don't want to be there in 5 years time. Ideally I'd use my immense determination and stubbornness, and creativity and people skills, to run my own business from home. It's something I'm going to look at properly when I've finished this programme. Right now I need all of my determination and focus to do Lighterlife.

So, my results! It's my small loss week so I was expecting a low number but really hoping I'd get to the 2 stone loss mark. I've lost 2.5 pounds this week bringing my total to 2 stone and half a pound in 6 weeks! That will do me nicely thank you very much. My wonderful husband is buying me a Pandora charm for each stone lost so I'll hopefully have 8 or 9 dangly topaz charms by the time I'm finished.

I picked up more of the new pea and ham soup flavour food packs this week. They are definitely at the top of my list at the moment. Probably something to do with living off the spag bol ones for the last few weeks. My top food packs list goes something like this at the moment:

1. Pea and Ham soup
2. Spaghetti Bolognese
3. Toffee Bar (tastes a little like a toffee crisp)
4. Nut Fudge Bar (tastes a little like a snickers)
5. Porridge

There were different people at the group this week as they normally attend the Monday group but switched for one week out of convenience. They were really nice and I'm not going to say much about them as the groups are confidential. One thing I do want to mention is that people have different approaches to Lighterlife but there's no way I would pay to do this diet and lapse repeatedly. I don't see the point and it must make it so much harder. I'm not sure I could keep on week after week if I was not abstaining completely.

So, I picked my husband up from work in my new dress (he loves me wearing dresses) with my hair curly and my make-up done, feeling pretty damn good and informed him of the news. He whisked me away to pick up the charm. When the sales assistant asked what the occasion was, I said "because I deserve it" and oh how right was I. I'm so happy I've lost 2 stone.

We had dinner in one of the restaurants and I loved it. The mister had a lasagne which apparently was really nice but obviously not as good as my homemade one, and I had a black coffee which I enjoyed. I just can't make them right at home so having one out feels like a real treat. My husband got all gooey and romantic about how pretty and girly I looked, and we had a lovely night.

Hurrah for Lighterlife!

Day 42- Dresses and Mars Bars

My Nan took me shopping to buy some jeans as I'm getting a bit desperate for new ones. I only have one pair that actually fits me now, and I pretty much live in jeans. Unfortunately Evans in the retail park we went to didn't have any blue jeans in size 18 short length. They did have a black pair but you may as well take advantage of the buy 1 get 1 half price offer so we decided to leave it. Instead, my Nan bought me a size 14 dress from Dorothy Perkins!!!

OK OK so I'm not actually a size 14! It's stretchy and just about wearable. This means it should last a good couple of months and it's pretty enough to wear to the few nights out I have planned in the next month or so. (I'm going to see Ed Sheeran in concert next week and we have VIP tickets!). It's a lovely mix of autumn type colours and best of all, the hemline is just above my knee which is really hard to find as I'm a pint-sized person at 5 foot 2 inches.

I drove back to Sheffield tonight. On the way I popped into a petrol station to pay for fuel and was immediately drawn to the enormous Mars Bars. It's funny but I remember Mars Bars being a lot smaller when I was a kid, more like the fun sized ones you can get now. The ones in the petrol station were about twice the size. I have to admit, I wanted it. In previous times I would scoff and scoff on the way home to Sheffield because it's a boring drive and usually I am feeling stressed after being around my family. And when I say scoff, I do mean to the point of being nauseous by the time the 2 hour drive was over. I feel quite sad about that now.

Needless to say, I indulged in a moment of "mmm, Mars Bar" and moved on. I think that mental pull towards stuff I don't need and don't even really like to eat will always be there. I'm always going to have to be mindful of my food choices.

Day 41- Hiding from the storm

It's such a horrible day out there. All wind and howling, and the thunder at 10am freaked me out because it was so loud I thought it was inside the house!

I'm still in Liverpool. It's been good to spend time at home even if I do find it stressful. I spoke to my Mum about Lighterlife today and got a really strange reaction. She was completely disinterested, made a couple of comments about the cost, then left the room. Hmm.

Just to give you a bit of history here... my Mum used to be slim. I've seen the teenage photos to prove it. Around the time she had me, she'd put on weight. Steadily she's become bigger and bigger as the years have passed and has been on one diet or another ever since I can remember. My stepfather is also very large and is on and off diets too. Normally we'd speak about it in a general way- my Mum and I have been on pretty much every diet going but she's more of a constant dieter than me and is usually on weightwatchers or slimming world.

I wasn't sure what to make of her reaction. She's doing some random combination of low carb slimming world with a Herbal Life shake for breakfast. I'm not sure mixing and matching is a good idea but far be it for me to criticise.

I've also been trying to convince them to come to Sheffield over Christmas or New Year so I can cook for them. I've never actually cooked dinner for my family due to my Mum's insistence that the world will end if this happens. Seriously- she acts like she's allergic to my cooking even though she's never tried it. Argh, parents.

Day 40- 40% done

Well, that's nearly halfway there! I never thought I'd make it this far!

I travelled to Liverpool today to stay for a couple of days with my family. I talked to my Nan about Lighterlife and that's the first time I've spoken to someone about it other than the people at Lighterlife and my husband. My Nan was supportive which was nice. She's seen me do loads of diets and not get very far so I'm glad I waited until I'd been doing it for a while before I told her.

I spent some time today thinking about the future and what will happen when I've gotten to my goal weight. I just can't bear the idea that I'd eat my way back up to this weight. I'm actually starting to feel scared about eating food again and just going back to my usual eating habits. I know I've still got a long way to go and plenty of time to make these kind of adjustments but I can't help the thoughts popping up all the time.

Day 39- Will-power

I'm so proud of myself for today. I've been worried about how things were going to work out with Lighterlife today and I'm really pleased. I went to Blackpool for work for the day to go on the fairground and see the illuminations (my job is great sometimes!) and I knew the day would be filled with food.

In the morning I avoided the bacon sandwiches everyone had before we left, then the McDonalds when we arrived finally in Blackpool. I'd taken 3 toffee bars with me for the day so tried to space them out. We had dinner in a fish and chip shop which was so hard. Everyone was sat around eating food that smelled amazing. I kept nursing black coffees and avoiding all the questions people were asking about me. It's nice they are concerned I'm not eating but that made it even harder- and I'm still not ready to talk to work colleagues about what I'm doing. I then avoided sugar doughnuts and then pizza when we got back to Sheffield!

As well as being proud of myself for staying strong and sticking to the plan, there were also issues at the fairground. Earlier this year I went to Alton Towers and really enjoyed the rides but struggled to fit the safety overhead harnesses on which worried me, and then at another theme park I had to get off a ride because they wouldn't fit. It was humiliating. At Blackpool Pleasure Beach I really wanted to go on all the rides because they are so much fun but I was scared of being humiliated again so chose very carefully which rides I went on. Even so, I felt very anxious queuing up. I wish things hadn't gotten to this stage, I really do.

Yet more reasons to stick to the plan.

Day 38- ALL the Carbs

It's been a long and busy shift at work today. I'd brought some spaghetti Bolognese packs with me and it turned out the people at work were having the same! So I sat at the table with all the buttery pasta, garlic bread and buttered bread available. There are times when I really get quite strong cravings for carbs and I haven't figured out where they come from. Maybe it's just a taste thing sometimes!

Day 37- New Soup!

So busy doing housework today that it passed by in a flash.

I tried the new pea and ham soup that is now available and I have to say that I am impressed. I'm not a big fan of soup- I quite like the taste of the mushroom one but because of the bits of dried mushrooms, you have to blend it to make it edible and that's a bit of a faff. The pea and ham one just needs a good whisk. I'm going to be ordering more of these next week for sure. I've also deviated from my usual 7 toffee bars to include a few nut fudge bars for a change.

Day 36- 5th Weigh In

I've had a great day. After realising the Mister had today off work, we spent a leisurely morning in bed which was really nice. Due to both of us working shifts, we only get one, maybe two days off a week together, and it's never enough time. I did a good impersonation of the perfect wife and got up to cook him a sausage sandwich for breakfast, which he was very grateful for, and made up a packed lunch for him for later.

We got to the gym for 11.30am and I had my personal training session while he drank coffee in the café. I was a bit pathetic during my session. I think the lack of sleep and not eating all of the food packs have impacted on my fitness. Or I could just be really unfit. It's probably both!

We did more boxing and my trainer approved of the gloves. I really enjoy boxing, it makes it seem like fun rather than exercise although I spent most of it out of breath and feeling like my muscles were abdicating all responsibility for any kind of stamina. I did it though and felt good afterwards.

After that, I watched the Mister do some rock-climbing and faff in the gym. I wasn't in the mood for climbing so I went for a swim and then we spent some time in the spa pool and in the sauna.

Then I went to my Lighterlife group. I was anxious about my weight loss as last week I'd only lost 2 pounds. My pattern seems to be that I have a big loss, then a small loss, then a big loss again and I'd kept my fingers crossed. My scales at home were indicating about 4 pounds so when the Lighterlife scales registered a 6 pound loss I was more than happy. That's 26 pounds in 5 weeks and means next week I should hit the 2 stone mark. Hurrah!

The group was interesting tonight. There were quite a few people there although I'm not keen on the mix. The people doing Total like me didn't stay to group and the other people there are either in Management or on Lite. It was still a group of lovely people but I do wish there were groups of people just doing Total who were in a similar position to me.

We looked at the Johari window in class. I'm not a fan of this exercise as I don't find it particularly useful. It's basically 4 headings and it makes you think about what is known about you to everyone, what are your secrets that nobody knows, what is known to others but not you and what is unknown. My husband had come up with some good insights into me which I was kind of aware of, for example, I prioritise other people's experience of food over my own so I'm more likely to feed myself crap whereas I will cook good healthy food if I'm feeding others.

There was quite a sad moment in class tonight. The counsellor was saying that everybody had secrets, things you were too embarrassed about or ashamed about to share with anyone else, and myself and another woman disagreed with this because we both tell our husbands everything. I've done things in the past that I'm not proud of, but a long time ago I realised that my biggest destructive pattern when it came to food was being secretive so I make a real effort to tell my husband when I do things I'm not proud of. I felt quite sad that there were only 2 of us the group who felt we could tell everything to at least one person. And very lucky that I have my wonderful husband.

Day 35- Another quickie

35% completed! Hurrah!

Another quick post. I'm still struggling to eat all of my 4 foodpacks a day due to lack of interest. I was again sat in McDonalds, for my job, with the smell driving me mad. I cooked for the Mister and really enjoyed doing that.

I bought some boxing gloves to use at the gym and ended up paying £45 for them as the cheaper ones were not supporting my wrist. I also bought some Bio-Oil which is something I've been meaning to do for ages. You have to put it on twice a day and hopefully it will reduce the appearance of my stretch marks, of which there are many. And that's pretty much it for today!

Day 34- Frosty

It was our staff away day which involves the whole staff team doing training together away from our place of work and everybody bringing something for a buffet lunch, then food and drinks out in the evening.

I was still nursing a grudge from yesterday with my colleague so wasn't particularly looking forward to it. She fussed over me today, clearly feeling the frostiness coming from me. At the end of the day I kind of put it down but I'm ready to hold my ground with her now. I'm not the only person who struggles with her attitude sometimes but there's a line I'm not prepared to let her cross with me.

I have to admit that I sulked for most of the day. I avoided lunchtime and a few people commented on my not eating, which I find really hard. I nursed a black coffee and just got on with it. I declined to go out after the training too and that increased my sulk because I felt like I was missing out.

I sulked at home too! But then I practiced my roast potatoes and got them spot on so that was quite satisfying.

I'm struggling with the Lighterlife packs at the moment. I'm just not interested in them, and because I'm firmly in ketosis, I'm just not hungry most of the time.

Day 33- Ice Queen

It's been an odd day. I slept at work last night and really could not settle resulting in about 2 or 3 hours broken sleep. I'm one of those 8 hours sleep kind of people and can just about function on 4 hours if I have to, but not less. So picture me at 7am at work not a very happy bunny.

I happened to be on shift with someone I struggle to work with as she is somewhat bossy and demanding. An interesting situation happened where she told me to do something (Z) and I said I wanted to do X and Y before I did Z, and gave my reasons. Mostly this was because I wasn't sure I needed to do Z at all and doing X and Y first would indicate that. She really wasn't happy with this and kept telling me to do Z. It became quite uncomfortable with her telling me I was being challenging to her, and how I help my temper I will never know, but I held my ground. Turns out my instinct was right and she was wrong about me having to do Z. My colleague is the kind of person that when she says "jump", if you don't say "how high", she keeps on at you until you back down out of boredom or frustration but obviously with a couple of hours sleep and my instinct on an issue which I know more about than she does, I wasn't prepared to say "how high".

After this, she faffed around me a bit and I think she was trying to be nice but I was so irritated that I was the ice queen and she got my frosty cold shoulder. I do a brilliant ice queen impression when I'm seriously not happy!

Due to the lack of sleep and general unpleasantness of confrontation, I was feeling a bit emotional after work and made a bit of an odd decision. The Mister and I have invited his family to stay with us for a week over Christmas. This is a big deal for me as we don't see much of them and I've never cooked for them, and the Mister has never hosted Christmas, it's usually his sister. Obviously this is a ridiculous thing to do as we move house at the beginning of November, have to decorate it, then host Christmas and have it ready for that. No pressure then! I've planned to start force-feeding the Mister roast dinners to perfect my homemade Christmas dinner, which he is more than willing to do. So I decided to cook a roast dinner after work.

Interestingly, I felt loads better afterwards. I think doing something positive with food made me feel more in control again. I'm not sure I approve of myself still using food to control my feelings but I guess cooking for others is more positive than me stuffing my face. It went rather well actually, I made roast potatoes for the first time and homemade stuffing. The Mister is mightily upset because I've now ruined Paxo stuffing for him which he loves, as the homemade stuffing was miles better.

Day 32- Just a Quickie

Just a quick one for today as I've mostly been busy at work. I've successfully avoided roast dinner at work and lots and lots of chocolate. It's been a good day in general and one of those that have just flown by.

Day 31- Lazy days

It's been lovely today. Last night my wonderful husband gave me a massage and we slept in late this morning. We had a leisurely breakfast (sausage sandwich for him, spaghetti Bolognese food pack for me) and spent most of the day curled up on the sofa talking about the house we are moving into next month and what our plans are for it.

I cooked him a homemade curry which he loves- I usually made a completely different one for me as I like the creamy almond type curry whereas he loves dryer cumin types- so it was no heartache to cook it and I do love to watch him enjoy my home-cooking.

Tonight's plans include X Factor and more massage. I'm a lucky girl!

Day 30- Pain and Hormones

Today marks 30% of the 100 days done and dusted. I'm pretty pleased with that and proud of myself for sticking with it. Aside from the general smugness, I am mostly feeling sore and in pain. Yesterday's boxing and resistance training which was so much fun then, is not having a fun effect on my muscles. I can barely move today and the act of sitting down or standing up really hurts. It doesn't help that I'm due to start my period soon (sorry if that's too much info!) and so I've spent the day resting while crying at stupid films and feeling like I need to eat all seven of my toffee bar food packs. It's weird wanting to binge on food packs!

I managed to cook for the mister without too much trouble although sniffing the basil plant nearly sent me over the edge and rushing out to buy cheese and walnuts to eat with it. I've noticed on this diet that my sense of smell has become extremely heightened. As an example, we can walk around the restaurants area in our local shopping centre and I can smell the food cooking in the kitchens and make judgements about where is cooking fresh food and where is using processed rubbish. It's a lot of fun actually! (Or is that just really sad?!) I'm getting a lot of enjoyment out of sniffing food at the moment, especially fresh food. Processed food just doesn't smell very good.

I'm definitely hormonal and I've eaten 2 of my once-a-day bars today. I have to say though, I spaced them out and it was a decision rather than a lack of self-control. I don't mind making minor allowances when I'm feeling a bit crap, and the bars help with that.

My husband has promised me a massage tonight which I'm hoping will help with all the muscle pain. He's a mortgage advisor by day and my personal, somewhat gifted, masseuse by night! He can usually deal with any aches or pains I get (I'm a lucky girl). Tomorrow may turn into a very lazy day as we both have it off and no plans. There was a vague plan to go the gym together but I'm going to judge that tomorrow and see whether it's still painful to move!

Day 29- 4th Weigh In

Hmmm. Weigh in again tonight and another 2 pounds lost. So far it's been 9, 2, 7, 2 in the weight loss department. A bit of a pattern emerging I think. Still, that makes 20 pounds altogether so I'm happy. We chatted about perceptions tonight in class, how people look at you when you are large, how you look at yourself when you're large or have lost all the weight, and what you think everyone else is thinking about you when really they're just worried about what you are thinking about them! We've been given new module booklets too so I'm looking forward to doing my next homework.


I had my second personal training session today too. It was so much fun. We did some more resistance training. I'm still feeling like I have a bit of a cold so I just took it easy and had lots of rest in between the harder stuff. Then we did some boxing which I loved. The trainer is some kind of kickboxing champion (how cool is that?) and he took me through some different punches. Apparently I have good right and left hooks! He's very positive and complimentary, which I suppose is part of his job, but it certainly works. He's advised I pick up some cheap boxing gloves so I can practice in the gym on my own in between our sessions.

The mister and I had a bit of a chat about how much money I'm spending at the moment. Lighterlife, gym membership and personal training all add up, not to mention the money I'm spending on rewards and distractions. My husband is very supportive about what I'm doing, which I'm so thankful for. I feel like this is the right time for me, like everything is just working in a way it never has before. Now is the time to sort my weight out- something I've never actually done before. I've always given up. Right now I feel like I'm on a train that is gathering speed and if I can just stay aboard then I'll get where I'm going. I know it's silly to spend lots of money on clothes that won't fit me in a few weeks but if it makes me feel good about myself and what I'm doing, then it's worth it. With that in mind, we went shopping!

Since becoming an adult, I've had a thing about sexy lingerie. When I was younger, my Nan bought me minimiser bras in plain black and white to help me control and hide my large bust. It wasn't until I was about 20 years old that I realised this was entirely the wrong thing to be doing and opened my eyes to how useful and attractive a large bust can be. One of the (few) perks of being larger is the extra curve in that department and since realising that, I like to accentuate it as much as possible. So over the years I've always worn really nice stuff even as everyday wear. I'm normally a 40F in the bra department, and to be honest, I'm quite nervous about losing weight in that area as being curvy is very important to my sense of attractiveness. My husband is also a little anxious about it, if truth be told! He's a little bit disturbed that my bras don't fit and I'm now a 38E. To cheer him up (well, that's my excuse!) we went shopping for some new underwear that fits in Boux Avenue. I adore this shop as it has an adult elegant style and always smells wonderful. We bought 3 sets of underwear in colours that suit me and the room diffuser in the white chiffon fragrance for our bedroom. I love the way they wrap your purchases up in a box with fragranced petals and wrapping paper. It makes you feel special when you get your lingerie home and unwrap it.

Day 28- Rewards and Distractions

Today has mostly been about shopping. My feet got drowned yesterday on the way to work due to me wearing sneakers rather than anything sensible when it's raining so it was off to the shops to buy some boots. I adore shoe shopping. Most of my shoes are high heels that are fabulous but completely impractical. I got some boots that are fairly flat heeled so I can wear them to work and I was really pleased that they fit around my calf as that is usually an issue. I did stroke the pretty heels a few times but had satisfy myself with just the boots. I also got a few books as I think I need a distraction other than the TV. Today felt very much like a reward day which is what I usually do after I've completed each week but it was nice to go and spend a bit of money on myself.

I also did my homework from the last counselling session today, again as a bit of a distraction. This section of the booklet was about things you want to stop doing, do more of, start doing and then a section on making some personal goals based on what you've been thinking about. Mine were mostly about not sitting on the sofa anymore and making more of an effort to go to the gym. Some were about making an effort with my appearance and I'd like to sort my clothes out because honestly, my clothes are dreadful. Half of them don't fit properly or are really old, and I've not got a real sense of coordination because I don't plan outfits. So one of the things I'd like to do is plan some outfits for each size that I am at, and have them ready handing in the wardrobe so I can feel good about how I look.

 

Day 27- Adult Mindset

No sulking for me today! This morning in a fit of hopeful anticipation I decided to try on the next size down jeans- and I got them on! They're definitely a snug fit but wearable and a lot smarter than my other jeans which need binning frankly. I was full of energy today and even did my make-up and hair nice. I looked pretty damn good today! Not that anyone at work bloody noticed. But that didn't matter too much.

I made an important adult decision while at work today during staff meeting. I work with teenagers in a residential unit and eating meals and doing activities is a part of my job. So far I've managed to fudge the evening meals with using the meal food packs without too much bother. Staff were arranging a day out in a couple of weeks that I'm taking the kids out on and one of the options was a meal out. Now there's no way I can sit at a restaurant and not eat but neither can I take a food pack there so I had a quiet word with the person organising the trip and explained I really did not want to go for a meal but would happily do another activity, which they were happy to agree to. They we discussed the Christmas staff night out and the night out we are having next week. The one next week is a training day where we are all bringing food in for lunch (I'm taking bread) which I'm obviously not going to participate in, but after that they are going out for drinks and I'm not going to go. The Christmas night out will include a 3 course meal, and again, I can't just sit there with a food pack.

I thought about it and then I volunteered to work that night and not attend the Christmas meal. I know if I go, I'll have a planned lapse and I don't want to do that. Last year I lost 2 stone just before December doing Atkins and then the whole of December and January was filled with social occasions that revolve around food and I went completely off track and never recovered from it, hence going on Lighterlife. So I'm not doing that this year. Christmas and all it's food-related nonsense can bugger off. I'm going to enjoy Christmas for a lovely family celebration that doesn't need to rely on food, and I'm not going to put myself in situations that make it harder.

Someone commented to me today that I must have iron will-power. I don't, I really don't. Put me in a restaurant with a 3 course meal and I'd eat it. The best I can do is not be in the situation. I feel really good about speaking to my colleague about the activity, about not going out next week and about volunteering to work during the Christmas night out. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself at all, just making good choices so I can enjoy it all next year after completing what I've set out to do.

Day 26- Sulking

I could murder a cup of tea. Forget food, I'm not bothered. But tea, glorious, soothing, comforting tea? Oh god I miss it so. Seriously, black tea, green tea, black coffee etc are all vile. I've basically given up hot drinks for the duration of the diet and right now I feel like having a full on temper tantrum over it. An honest to goodness full on strop. Unfortunately the mister has been absolutely wonderful recently by cleaning the entire house while I've been unwell so I can't really aim the tantrum in his direction. He's currently trying to placate me with a foot massage and helpful comments about my ankles feeling smaller but I get the feeling that he and the cat are bracing themselves for a complete meltdown.

Day 25- 25% complete

Well that's the first 25% of the 100 days of Foundation complete. Hurrah! I've managed to remain completely abstinent for this which I'm pleased about.

Today has been extremely stressful- partly due to work and partly due to still feeling poorly. I've managed it fine and didn't crack even with the temptation of curry on the dinner table at work. Luckily I had been aware that we would be doing that for dinner so brought some curry flavoured food packs and tried to ignore the fact that I was aware of all the delicious smells.

Day 24- Om Nom Nom Nom

The cold that has been brewing over the past few days finally hit this morning and it took all my energy to move from the bed to the sofa. I'd used all the Kleenex in the space of an hour and failed miserably to summon the will to make a food pack due to the overwhelming snottiness of the situation. The only thing that cheered me up all morning were the scales which are very encouraging at the moment and I'm hoping for another good loss next week as I've lost another 2 pounds and there's 5 more days to go before weigh-in.

I finally made something to eat at about 1.30pm so decided to mix two spaghetti Bolognese packs together. I also added some Italian seasoning to liven it up a bit. It was DELICIOUS. Or maybe I've forgotten what real food tastes like! Now, I know technically we aren't supposed to add spices or seasoning to the food packs, however, it won't affect ketosis. I think the reason they say it isn't allowed is because there is the concern that if you start messing about with the packs, you'll be tempted to add things that will interfere with ketosis. It's a slippery slope I guess. From my point of view though, adding a bit of Italian seasoning to the spaghetti bolognese or cinnamon to the porridge is a far cry from eating all the doughnuts.

 

 

This evening I have mostly been feeling snotty and pathetic. I've been fantasising about comfort food such as thick white bread with lots of butter to dip into a stew or mounds of cheesy buttery pasta with garlic bread or... well, it's all about the carbs really. Sadly this is not currently an option and I will have to wait for a few months before I can have those things (in moderation) again. Instead, I'm having the non-food related comfort of a furry hot water bottle to cuddle and trying desperately to ignore the smell of fajitas as the mister cooks his dinner. I have to admit, this whole dealing with your emotions thing instead of numbing them out with food is a bit pants really. I've spent my whole life using food and to suddenly not have that option is really hard- I haven't developed any other coping strategies :-( And my god, would I kill for a decent cup of tea with milk in it. (My other coping strategy). Oh well, onwards towards X Factor and having a good old sing-song. 

Day 23- Eye of the Tiger

Well, aside from being a bit tired and snotty, I think I'm fighting off this cold. Getting so many vitamins and minerals in my system must be boosting my immune system.

I had my first personal training session today and I'm so glad I've booked them. The guy is lovely and very encouraging. He took my measurements to keep track of things, and I'm aware the scales may start to slow as I'm going to be trying to tone and build muscle now. We took it easy for the first session and I found it at a good level for my (non) fitness. I've never done resistance training before so all of the things we did were completely new to me. Apparently I have good technique but my muscles seem to have abdicated all responsibility! When I started to feel tired and aching I focused on how I want to look when all of this is over. I know I need to do my best to tone my body so that it can look as good as possible after losing so much weight in such a short period of time.

After the gym it was shopping time! I bought myself some Clarins eye make up as my reward for sticking to the plan for another week. I'm loving rewarding myself with beauty products that make me feel good about myself, and my old Clinique palette was running out. These brown/bronze kind of shades are perfect for my colouring as well as looking great for Autumn. I'm looking forward to experimenting with these.

The Mister and I agreed that I could have a Pandora charm to represent each stone lost which I really like the idea of. At the last minute I decided that rather than getting various charms for the charm bracelet I have, I want to make a new one to symbolise my weight loss journey. I've decided to make it an ice blue and silver charm bracelet to remind me of the winter period that my Lighterlife journey is taking me through. I am the kind of period who enjoys symbolism and finds it motivating and inspirational. My charms will not be Christmas type ones, but snowflakes and ice type ones with a blue topaz colour. My first charm I chose is a dangly charm with a blue topaz sparkly centre. I'm going to get one for each stone I lose and then finish it off when I get to goal. The colour of blue ice symbolises logic and reason, which is what I'm using to get me through each day.

 

Day 22- 3rd Weigh In

I've been feeling poorly again today and haven't much moved from the bed or the sofa aside to go to my meeting. I've lost 7 pounds this week!!! This takes my total up to 18 pounds in 3 weeks which is not to be sniffed at! So that's the first stone gone and 4 pounds off the next one. Not bad at all!

There will be a reward in the shape of a Pandora charm for reaching 1 stone off, and I'm going to get some Kerastase shampoo for completing another week. Go me!

I picked up some more water today and some half decent instant coffee to have at home. I also picked up some flavoured coffee which technically we aren't supposed to have but shouldn't impede weight loss.

My intention was to monitor it but I tasted it when I got home and it was vile. Today was the first time I've set foot in a supermarket (aside from work-related shopping) since I started this diet. I still avoided the food aisles and just picked up what I needed and then stood looking at magazines until the Mister had finished his food shopping.

The counselling session was good. We went over the homework I'd done. We spoke more about adult mind states and parent/child mind states. It's something I'm going to have to practice doing as I think it will be really helpful in the long run.

Day 21- Homework

It's been one of those days where things have alternated between difficult and easy. I've had a long and busy day at work resulting in me being all over the place with my packs. I've done well with my water though. As part of my job I took someone to McDonalds and sat there while they ate a large meal and a McFlurry. I then picked up some McDonalds later on for the mister and drove home with it with the smell taking over the car and driving me crazy!

An interesting thing happened when I went to McDonalds for the second time. It was late, I was hungry and feeling poorly, and I was sat at the drive through waiting to order, looking at the lovely photographs of the burgers and, well, salivating. I really really wanted a burger and told myself that having a burger without the bun would not knock me out of ketosis, which is true. Then another part of me told myself that actually what would happen if I let myself do that was that I would order several burgers and eat them, buns and all. Then another part of me decided that if I did eat lots of food right now, my body would probably not thank me for it and I'd feel really rough the next day, not to mention blowing my goal for 100 days of abstinence. I decided to not have the burgers.

This situation corresponds nicely with the homework for this week. This week was all about different messages we had as young children about food and how those influence our decisions now. I remember some interesting stuff which is a bit personal for an online blog. The homework talked about using different parts of us to make decisions: parent, child and adult mental states. So, using my earlier example, the child in me wanted the burgers and the parent part of me told me I'd have to eat them in secret so others wouldn't find me disgusting because of course I wouldn't just have one because I'm not capable of controlling myself. The adult in me decided that although I wanted the burgers, I want to complete my goals more. It's a very interesting way of dissecting your thoughts to promote better decision making.

The idea behind looking at this is of course to analyse why I make certain decisions which gives me an advantage when those situations come up again. I think it's going to take a lot of work to understand how these mind states work and how to put the adult mind state in the driving seat when it comes to food, but it feels like another eureka moment for me.