Saturday, 22 November 2014

Day 73- Lapse 1

The title of this post kind of gives it away really but stay tuned as this is not a case of fat girl loses three stone then eats her way back via McDonalds and Pizza Hut. (I promise).

My day started with a work shift beginning at 7am. Due to working a late last night, this ammounted to about six hours sleep so not the best start. However, I was feeling really excited about my friend's birthday party in the evening. Then it all kicked off at work and I got physically shoved. How I kept my temper I will never know. Needless to say, I was very angry and very stressed when the boy picked me up at 3pm.

Around this time I also got a phonecall from my friend's partner, who incidentally is my ex-partner. We're all very good friends though, despite the complications, and get on really well. They can be a bit scatty, just like me, so I wasn't totally suprised when he told me they'd changed the plans for the evening and instead of a buffet (which I was planning on ignoring) they were going to have a sit-down dinner. He then told me that they'd put a lot of thought into it and had a low-carb option all ready to do so I wouldn't need to worry about it. (They think I'm doing a low-carb diet because that's what I normally do and I haven't wanted to tell people I'm on Lighterlife).

Oh my god. The stress doubled and I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack there and then. The boy, being very sensible in a crisis, took me to buy shoes to go with my black and gold dress (see yesterday's blog). They did go perfectly, but I removed the gold satin laces and replaced them with black satin laces from another pair of Irregular Choice boots I own. (I own quite a few IC shoes now as they are stunning and my husband is very lovely)! The shoes did actually calm me down and then I sat and thought long and hard about what I was going to do.

I knew I couldn't cancel being there. She's a very good friend and would be devastated if I'd of cancelled at such short notice. I knew I couldn't arrive after the meal as they were having it quite late anyway. I wasn't prepared to have a food pack or nothing at all in front of seven of my friends- I've done it with the boy at a restaurant and it hasn't phased me, but I really couldn't cope with all of the questions from everyone. So I made the decision to break abstinence. I want to make something clear though, this was a really hard decision that I still feel somewhat guilty over. Being so close to achieving my 100 days is a bit gut-wrenching to be honest.

The thing that sealed the deal for me though was my reaction when I realised I was probably going to have to eat something. I completely panicked. I freaked out about coming off the diet and putting loads of weight back on and not being able to stop. The boy then very sensibly pointed out that I have enough food issues without giving myself another one. I never wanted to be one of those people who did abstinence religiously for a year- I needed the strict rules to start off with or I would of cheated and messed about, but I never wanted to panic over eating again.

With all that in mind, I made myself a plan. I'd already decided I was going to drink at the party. I'd ummed and ahhed about it, mostly because I didn't want alcohol to lower my inhibitions and for me to then attack the buffet table like a wild animal. We bought gin and soda water and lime cordial as this was the best drink I actually like. There's sugar in the lime cordial but compared to other drinks, it was probably the best option. My friend had given me the menu on the phone: French Onion soup with garlic croutons, Pork medallions with caramelised apples, carrots, leeks and potato rosti, and then another friend was bringing desert. My friend was going to leave out the croutons, apples and rosti from my plate and promised to do a small portion. I asked the boy for support so I didn't stuff my face and we agreed a few sips of soup, a little pork, carrots and leeks would probably not be the end of life as we know it, and I'd just have to ignore whatever desert it was. The plan was to crash at their house overnight so I ate a food pack before we left and took some with me for the following morning.

The party ended up being awesome. Dinner went as planned. I ignored the crudites on the table as an appetiser although the hummus and cucumber sticks were calling my name. I had about four sips of the onion soup which was tasty but not really my thing anyway, then subtly, with ninja-like skill, swapped my full bowl for the boy's empty bowl. The main course went well too. The pork medallions were tiny, so I ate one out of the three on the plate then palmed them off onto grateful friends. I have a couple of little roast carrots and leeks, and was done. Helpfully, my friend likes different foods to me so it ended up being quite easy to stick to my plan. He makes a mushroom risotto to die for and if he'd made that then the whole thing would have been quite different! It was weird eating food after 3 months of not. It did make the boy and I chuckle though to realise my first real food would be soup! I swear, after this diet, I'll never eat another soup again! The desert was tirimisu and I completely relaxed after this as I'm not much fussed about coffee flavoured things except actual coffee so was happy to watch everyone else indulge.

Everybody liked the dress, especially the cleavage (my friends aren't subtle). People commented on how good I looked which was really nice, and everyone appreciated the awesome shoes. One of my male friends looked me up and down and asked if I'd lost loads of weight, which was brilliant he even noticed! The boy was attentive all night as well and kept checking me out from across the room which made me smile!

One thing that felt a bit upsetting is my friend, whose birthday it was, wasn't happy with how she looked. I spotted it a mile away. Some of my friends are big like me and others are nymph-like but we all like to look good and I could tell she'd made an effort but wasn't happy. She looked lovely in fact. Part of me wanted to take her aside and talk about what I'm doing to encourage her, but I know people have to reach their crisis point in their own time before they are ready to do something about their weight and I'll be around to support her if or when she's ready. She looked brilliant anyway, I just wished she was happy.

It ended up being quite a heavy night of drinking, which is unusual for my friends at a house party. We all happily got trashed. They blamed the gin but they'd been drinking cocktails as well, which I'd avoided, and the boy was on red wine. Unusually for him, he'd had a bottle and a half of red wine before I'd even noticed and promptly spent time chucking it all up in the bathroom. Silly boy! We didn't go to bed until 5am which felt very naughty indeed.

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