Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Day 55- Meltdown

Well it had to happen sooner or later. I had a mega strop with myself over my diet and recent lack of weight loss. The boy and I had a big argument about data protection versus Facebook refusing police access in cases of suspected grooming. He's very passionate about data protection and I'm very passionate about child protection. So to demonstrate this, we yelled at each other for an hour and then he went to the old house to clean the over and I threw myself on the bedroom floor to torment the cat and have a sulk.

It wasn't a serious argument, just one of the very loud and heated ones we have rarely. But I do find them very stressful and afterwards, after we'd just agreed to disagree, we spoke about the impact it had on me in terms of my diet.

My internal monologue went something like this:

"He's a (bleep). I can't believe he disagrees with me. I want one of those ham sandwiches he had yesterday because it smelled really good. Oh I can't. Well that's stupid. I could have one now and he'd not know. But then I would have failed to complete the 100 days of abstinence. Well that's a stupid rule anyway and you don't really mind if you break it to have a ham sandwich. Would I tell the Lighterlife group? No, of course not. Well actually I would and then I'd feel pretty crap. What about a McDonalds instead? The boy has taken the car. OK well I could order something for delivery. None of that stuff tastes very nice. The cheese on a pizza is good. No, I can't do that. I could have the ham sandwich though. No, I won't. I'll tidy the dining room instead. If I go downstairs I'll eat a ham sandwich. I'm exhausted. I need a nap."

Seriously. Is this normal? I'm not so sure. In the end, I put myself to bed and had a 2 hour nap. Then I got up, had a food pack and then sorted it out with the boy.

I suppose this may be some sort of progress. I wish my brain didn't automatically want to comfort itself with food though. That's so unhelpful.

It did make me think though- in line with this week's counselling homework. A couple of years ago I was stroppy and a bit of a spoilt brat and would go to great lengths to get my own way. Sound delightful, don't I? The thing was, I was very popular and partners were attracted to me because of how strong and stubborn I was. Then I fell in love with the boy and he's not my usual type at all. Although he liked my fiery nature, I was very concerned about our relationship ending due to my temper and began working really hard on my personal development. I created internal monologues, similar to the one above, but ones designed to talk myself out of losing my temper or ignoring him for a week when he's upset me. It was very productive and I'm stubborn enough that when I really put my mind to something, I generally get what I want. In the end, I even married him because I knew divorce wasn't an easy option and marriage would create a firmer barrier to prevent me ever having to lose him. I'm not going to go all mushy on you about how he's the love of my life (he is), I think this is a clear example of me being able to change something massive about myself. If I can change that, I can change my attitudes to food too- right?

No comments:

Post a Comment